


Stars in our eyes

by orphan_account



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gay, I promise, Implied/Referenced Suicide, It Gets Better, Jared is also not the best, M/M, Multi, Relationship(s), Sad, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Suicide Attempt, Triggers, but not really, sincerely three, this will be really long, tree boys
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-17
Updated: 2017-07-24
Packaged: 2018-11-15 02:05:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 22
Words: 22,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11221023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: What if Evan found Connor? What if he never had to pretend he was Connor's friend? Also this is going to be mostly angst at first I'm sorry it'll get there.I will post a chapter Fridays, Sundays and Tuesdays at least over the summer. But I might post more than that because I have a lot of free time!





	1. It's lonely living behind glass

**Author's Note:**

  * For [cloudmomm](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cloudmomm/gifts).



> Triggers in this chapters- f*g slur (sorry for using it, I know, I hate it too), referenced self harm, suicidal thoughts.
> 
> Okay, I've yet to see the musical live, so if I mess up lines, I'm sorry. Thank you, and any comments and Kudos are welcomed and appreciated!

Connor Murphy drove into school with a small smile on his face. Not that he was happy, not that anything good could possibly come from this place, but it was his last day here. At least, if all went right, it was his last day here. Despite the low 80 degree weather of early September, he wore a dark hoodie and slim black pants. He painted his nails black, because he liked the look. He liked very little about himself, but his ability to apply nail polish with his non-dominant hand was a talent in his eyes. 

He smiled, thinking of all the things he could do without repercussions, without ever having a follow up. He was never going to have to serve another detention, or get called whatever slew of slurs everyone seemed to come up with. Not after today at least. He cracked his knuckles and walked into the building. It was hot, and the air was sticky, and instantly he remembered why this was the last day he was going to be here, or anywhere for that matter. He thought of the razor tucked neatly in his pencil case, and wondered why he was going to wait until tonight, but he was never one to make a show of anything. He didn’t want people to remember the boy with black nail polish who passed by the skin of his teeth. He wanted to let everything be forgotten. 

He pushed to his locker, and placed his black leather bag on the floor. He sighed. He could hear the mutterings of the blonde girl with red lipstick to some other blonde girl with red lipstick about “oh, you got a locker next to him? I’m so sorry. You can put your stuff in my locker if you need to,” and on and on. Honestly, Connor kind of liked that. No one wanted or expected anything from him. He constantly has a five foot radius around him at all times. No one directly fucked with Connor Murphy. Outside of his radius, people did make comments. He heard them, he agreed with some, he laughed at others. But mostly, he kept his head down. 

He grabbed his notebook from his locker, and shoved it in his bag. His mother had come to the orientation and put his notebook there, forcing him to go to school at least once. To be fair, it wasn’t an ineffective move, he was here after all. But he resented his mom for not understanding. He knew his life was going nowhere, she knew that full well too. But she liked her kind façade that her son wasn’t who he was, and sometimes Connor wished that’s who he was too. Sometimes he’d wonder what it would be like to be his sister, Zoe.

She was undoubtedly what his parents wanted. She got good grades, she smiled, she wore nice clothes, she did stuff for charity, and she was almost perfect. She came out as bi to their family, and they seemed to have this look like ‘well, at least you aren’t doing drugs like your brother’. It seemed she was allowed one ‘fault’, because that’s what it was to the Murphy’s- a fault. That’s what he was to the Murphy’s- a fault.

Connor didn’t really notice as he began to walk down the hall, he just moved toward his first class. He had a safety pin that he was taking on and off his hoodie, and he was a sorry sight. He had shoulder length brown hair that whisked against hood as he ambled. He had thin eye bags that showed just how much his insomnia was worsening. He was nervous, but he honestly couldn’t tell what it was about. 

Suddenly, he saw someone he didn’t want to, Jared Kleinman. He had a small, smug smirk on his face, and it turned into a leer when he saw Connor. He had thick glasses and brown hair that behaved itself much more than Connor’s.

Jared and Connor used to be good friends, but then it all went wrong. Back in freshman year, they went to a house party, got drunk, and Connor had kissed him. Jared laughed, then promptly told the whole party, who told the whole school. Jared was laughing and pushing Connor like they were sharing some joke. Connor got upset, understandably, and asked Jared why he did that. Jared had smiled, the same way he was doing now, and said “I just don’t want people thinking I’m the suicidal fag,” and left the party. Connor had no ride, no friends, and no money. He walked 6 miles to get home, and didn’t go anywhere for the next week.

Now he was standing, staring at Jared again. Connor tried to imitate that leer that he was giving him, but he just glared. He didn’t have the heart to care about Jared. He was about to walk past, when he heard that voice from behind him, and he turned to look at the boy. 

“Loving the new hair length,” Jared smiled, letting his hands run through his own short hair, and then moving to run his hands down his neck like he was smoothing out longer hair he didn’t have. “Very school shooter chic.” 

Connor watched as he passed him, pushing his shoulder into his, and walked down the hall laughing. Connor turned to look where he stood and suddenly noticed the boy who had been standing by Jared. He knew him, as they had a handful of classes together through the years, and he thought his name was Hansen. No clue about the first name, he just knew the boy with the blue polo and light brown hair was named Hansen. He also noticed the clunky, all white cast on his arm. There was yet to be a pen or marker mark on it. At first, his instinct was to smile at Hansen. But then, he remembered. Hansen was friends with Jared, Connor’s replacement in a way.

Then, he heard a small noise from the boy, who turned red, and attempted to walk away.

“What are you laughing at?” Connor said, almost yelling. So this was the guy who took his place, some kid who could barely say a word? 

“No, no I wasn’t, I-,“ The boy stumbled on his words, attempting to form a sentence, but Connor stopped him before he could. He pushed him to the ground, and walked away, both boys almost in tears.


	2. A moment of peace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm not following the plot anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers- referenced self harm and mild panic attack.  
> Look, I'm posting chapter 2 early!

Connor slipped into the bathroom, walking into a stall. His face was red, his eyes were raw, and he wanted today to be over. He ran the tap, and moved his hands under the water. Some of the foundation he wore washed off, revealing old burns on the back of his hands. He put the cool water on his face, and attempted to wash away everything that had just happened. He ducked into a stall, locking it right as the door opened.

He wasn’t in the mood to have someone else here. He wanted quiet, and at least a couple seconds alone. He eyed his bag, wanting to take out his pencil case. He wanted to take out his razor and press it into his thin wrists. He didn’t, of course, because he didn’t want this stranger to hear him gasp as he bled. It felt invasive on all parties’ parts, so he pulled his feet up onto the toilet seat and waited for them to pass.

He heard the tap run, and then the sound of a … choke? Like a gasp that someone swallowed. Like someone was trying not to hyperventilate. He knew the feeling, as that had been him many times before. He just let out a sigh that it wasn’t someone here to harass him and he just sat and listened.

The boy shut off the tap, and began to walk out… and then walk back in. He paced around the filthy tile, back and forth. Connor couldn’t see him, but he felt like he knew what was going through his mind. He didn’t know nor care who stood on the other side of that door, all that mattered is that they didn’t know Connor was there. 

The boy suddenly spoke, just a quiet “Is anyone in here?” Connor slowed his breathing, hoping that whoever this was wouldn’t know he was here. After a moment, the boy began to speak to himself, as if he was reading off a paper.

“Dear Evan Hansen, today is going to be a good day, and here’s why,” Connor froze. It was the boy from earlier. He remained silent, as Evan (that's his name!) began to read off a couple dull things about why his day was going to be good- “I am feeling well, I got my meds refilled so I won’t have to worry about that, my mom has a short shift…” Halfway through a sentence, Connor heard a rip, and then another and another. Evan ripped his note to shreds, and began to make that same hyperventilating, choking noise he made before. Connor listened to Evan cry, feeling helpless.

Connor knew that in at least one way, this was his fault. He knew that what he did earlier wasn’t helping the situation. Suddenly, Connor felt bad. He knew that he was, at least in part, at fault for why Evan was pacing and crying. He felt like the kid people said he was. He felt like Connor Murphy, the scary kid that screams at kids for no reason. He could hear his dad in his ear, taunting him that he never had friends over because the other kids were scared of him. And he was right. Here was Hansen, a kid who never did anything wrong, crying because of him.

He don’t know what came over him, but suddenly Connor stood up and opened the door, and caused Evan to scream when he saw Connor standing at the door of the stall. He began to stare intently at the ground, as if looking at Connor would start a fight.

“I, um, I’m sorry I didn’t know you were here. I’m sorry I didn’t mean to laugh earlier, I was just coughing and I’m sorry about Jared I don’t know why he said all that-“ Evan began to stumble on his words, and his eyes let a few tears spill down his face. Connor scared this boy half to death, and he felt so bad about that. 

“Listen, its fine. I get Jared, I’m sorry I was so rude earlier,” Connor said before pushing away from Evan and walking toward the sink. The silence fell heavy, like cement was being poured around them. Evan stood so straight and ridged; he looked like he just might fall down. Connor sighed, shutting off the tap and drying his right hand on his sweatshirt and outstretching it to Evan’s non-broken appendage. “I’m Connor Murphy,” he looked down, waiting for Evan to take his hand.

After a moment, Evan gently held his hand and shook it. “I’m Evan Hansen, but I mean I bet you already know that because we have bio together and I live right down the street from you but I was just introducing myself and I just thought it was the polite thing to do. Sorry,” Evan seemed to ramble a lot. Not that it mattered to Connor, he just noticed it.

“You broke your arm,” Connor dumbly stated, wanting to continue the conversation, wanting to humanize himself for Evan. “And no one signed your cast.” Connor frowned, looking at Evan. “Isn’t that supposed to be the uptick of breaking a bone? That feeling of fleeting importance?” Connor didn’t know why he was still talking, he should’ve left Evan alone. 

“Yeah,” Evan responded sheepishly. “I mean I guess. I just don’t have a whole lot of friends.” Evan blushed after he said that, like he was embarrassed.

“Let me sign it then,” Connor haphazardly offered. He still didn’t know why he was here. But as Evan gave a little nod, he pulled out a sharpie from his pocket. He carefully wrote the letters in his messy handwriting- C O N N O R-. The black writing seemed to be too brash against the stark white cast, but Evan smiled a little, like he was proud he got a signature. 

“There,” Connor said, capping the pen with his mouth and looking at his handy work. “Now we can both pretend we have friends.” Connor shoved the marker back in his hoodie and walked out of the bathroom, with just the faintest sign of a smirk playing across his face.


	3. Recoil

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers- Self harm, suicidal thoughts, internalized homophobia, and homophobic slurs.

Connor actually stayed through the whole day. He went through each class very aware of what this afternoon would bring. He actually took notes in every class, adding to the idea of perfect Connor Murphy. He wanted to settle into that idea before this afternoon, he wanted to feel out what being average felt like. It was what he expected, boring and unrewarding. But now that was over, and he headed out to his car.

 

Connor actually had a lot of pride for his car. It was a nice, black, and looked more expensive than it was. Connor swung open the door and threw down his leather bag. He sighed, remembering Evan. He didn’t know why he couldn’t get the boy out of his head, but he just couldn’t. All day he could hear Hansen rambling in the bathroom, see his little nod when Connor said he was going to sign his cast, and the faint smile that played on the blonde’s face when Connor wrote his name. He had no idea why this random kid was stuck in his head, but he was almost glad he wouldn’t see him again. He didn’t want to think about Hansen’s smile again. It was distracting him from the task at hand.

 

He pulled into an old car lot by the orchard. He grabbed his leather bag, and carefully opened up the glove compartment. There was a small plastic bag with a singular joint, and a handheld. The gun was a Glock 32, thin and shiny and small. He got it from a place without ever being asked for a permit. He felt bad for the 20 something year old man behind the counter. He’d probably get in trouble for Connor doing this. He felt another pang in his chest, like some guilt was bubbling to the surface, but he shoved it back down and attempted to forget about it. He grabbed them both, took off his sweatshirt, and began walking.

 

He was always a fan of taking walks. He like the warm air on his arms and the quiet. Connor always liked quiet; it meant that nothing was going wrong and that he could take a deep breath and not worry for a moment. He was now in the orchard surrounded by a million tall, crooked, bent over trees that seemed to be both bored and exhausted from holding themselves up. Connor sat down in the middle of them, feeling weird that he stuck out so much amongst the beautiful foliage.

 

At first, Connor’s initial idea was to smoke the joint, enjoy a couple last drags, and then take out the gun. However, he was nervous his high would distract him from the task at hand, so he slowly decided against it. He took out the gun, and moved it around in his hand. He felt like he should be feeling something, one way or another, but he just looked at it, feeling utterly bored. It was like waiting in line at a bank; he was finally at the front of the line, but he was still faced with this utterly mundane task.

 

He laid back against the tree behind him, assuming he should be taking something in or feeling one way or another. It really was a wonderful afternoon: the grass was overgrown, the air hummed with cicadas buzzing at the cooling afternoon. The sky was such a pretty blue, the color of Evan’s eyes and striped polo he always wore.

 

“Shit,” Connor mumbled to himself, feeling that pang in his chest again. Why couldn’t he get Hansen off his mind? Evan was probably scared half to death of him and only acted kind to avoid getting beat up, or whatever the kids at his school thought he did. Evan probably though Connor was the same suicidal faggot that Jared did. Why on earth would anyone at his school think otherwise of the gay pothead that roamed around school pushing kids to the ground because they coughed. Connor Murphy pushed a kid with a broken arm to the ground because he coughed. Everyone was right about Connor- he was some entitled kid who smoked and pushed crippled kids to the ground.

 

Connor looked down, noticing the streams of blood mixing with his sweat moving down his exposed arm. He had been absentmindedly scratching at the scabbed scars on his arms, and now he looked even more like the depressed druggie people pinned him for. He sighed, rubbing the blood on his hand into his black tank top and black jeans. The blood almost disappeared into the dark fabric, and he felt a bit relieved he wouldn’t have to deal with it anymore. He wouldn’t have to deal with any of it anymore.

 

He realized now that he didn’t exactly know how to use the pistol sitting in the grass by his side. He also realized he had his notebook with him, detailing some shit that he didn’t want anyone knowing. Like, the type of shit that even known pothead Connor Murphy didn’t want the world knowing. It was mostly his sketches, some notes, and a few confessions. It was a pretty sad journal, with half the pages ripped out or scribbled over, but he liked it. He could be honest there. It was the only place he could say what was on his mind without being scared. He wished he had someone to confide in, but he didn’t. So he guessed that was, in part, why he was here, but he wasn’t a damn psychologist, so he pushed those questions out of his head.

 

He unzipped his bag and grabbed his notebook. It was leather-bound and plain black, but he had drawn a spruce tree in gold paint on the cover. He felt another pang of guilt as he tossed it on the ground as he realized what his plan was. He grabbed the gun and placed it in his hand. He didn’t know exactly what to do, but the boy behind the counter had said something about cocking it to get it to fire, so he slowly replicated what the kid had done. The gun made a click noise, so he assumed that was what he wanted. He was also told something about recoil, so he scooted back so he was about 10 yards from the book.

 

 His hands were shaking when he shot at the journal, and he closed his eyes as he pulled the trigger. These factors alone cause him to miss by a large margin, the bullet burrowing to the ground yards behind the leather bound target. The force shot his arm back toward his torso, and he ended up punching himself in the gut with a loaded gun. All of these things happened so quickly, Connor still hadn’t opened his eyes. After the shot was done echoing around his head, he pried his eyes open to watch Evan Hansen jump out off a low branch on a tree in front of him, tears streaming down his face with a worried expression plastered on his face.


	4. I'll see you around.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan's perspective.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I posted two times today!! I know the chapter is short but I hate cliff hangers so I wrapped it up.  
> Triggers- Suicidal thoughts, self harm (on Connor not Evan)  
> My last day of school is tomorrow so I'll be writing a lot more. High school kicked my ass so this will probably end August 30th, when I start school again.

Evan didn’t know what to do in this situation. He don’t know what compelled him to jump down from his perch, he knew Connor was here with a gun. He saw him walk in with his bag, watched him sit, and then saw him take out the pistol. He hoped Connor wouldn’t see him, because he didn’t know what Connor was planning to do.

 

It felt weird though, like Evan couldn’t shake Connor. Not that he cared that he ran into the boy 3 times already, it was just odd because their paths rarely crossed. Hell, he has said more words to Zoe, Connor’s sister than he had to the boy. But he was scared for Connor. He seemed really off today, like he was so indifferent on everything happening. Connor always seemed to be somewhat aloof, but today was worse. So, when Connor shot the gun, Evan thought the worst scenario happened.

 

However, when Evan jumped down, he saw a very much alive Connor, but he was hard to look at. Evan had never seen Connor without a hoodie of sorts, but now he was wearing a tank top revealing a scarred and bloodied arm hanging by his side. He looked shocked, or maybe scared, and definitely terrified of the fact Evan was standing in front of him. Evan panicked, realizing he didn’t think this far ahead. He was just standing on the ground, staring at the boy in front of him, with his face contorted in shock at the fact that he was still alive.

 

“Hansen,” Connor muttered, standing up. His eyes were red, but it didn’t seem like it was from smoking. It looked like he had been crying, or at the very least rubbing his eyes. He was still holding the pistol firmly, and Evan realized that he wasn’t done shooting for today. Evan began to realize that Connor might’ve already shot himself if it wasn’t for Evan interrupting him, and that scared the hell out of Evan.

 

“Give me the gun,” Evan attempted, his voice wobbling. However, as he said it he managed to maintain eye contact with Connor, a feat he didn’t expect from himself. He realized now was a good a time as ever to be assertive, and now might be the most important time.

 

“Excuse me?” Connor held the eye contact, but his words didn’t seem to have the bite the brunette must’ve been going for. Evan didn’t need to do much to clarify his point. He looked at Connor, with a look of what he hoped was disapproval and determination. Evan certainly scared half to death of this boy, but he couldn’t let him see that. Connor seemed to believe Evan’s attempts to be assertive, as he sighed and dropped the gun between the two boys.

 

Suddenly, Evan realized what just happened, what was still happening. He didn’t know what to do, and neither boy moved to make some sort of effort to elevate the tension. Evan looked at Connor again, noticing a lot more he had in the bathroom or in the hall. He looked at his eyes, blue with specks of brown and green. The way his hair began to curl at the nape of his neck. He realized he was looking at a human, a human who was about to take his own life.

 

_The way you were going to, Evan. Remember that? You say you fell, but did you Evan? No, you let go._

Evan pushed the thoughts away, this was about Connor. This was about the gun in between the two boys and the possibility of a bullet hole in the side of Connor Murphy’s head. “Hey, I –um, well I know you were joking, but like if you do want to like talk to anyone, well I mean not like anyone I mean me in particular but that doesn’t really matter what I’m trying to say is,” Evan paused, grabbing a pen and taking Connor’s arm, scrawling out his name and his phone number in his own immaculate cursive. “That’s my number, so like we can pretend we have friends and stuff.”

 

Connor cocked his head to the side. “Are you joking? Cause like, I don’t know what about this situation,” Connor gestured around to the ground and his arm and the notebook. “Screams boyfriend material, but I mean I’ll take you up on your offer.”

 

Evan was blushing. He was never good at hiding it. He knew Connor was joking, but this really wasn’t his sense of humor. “I wasn’t joking, about being  _friends_ I mean,” Evan was careful to articulate the word _friends_ , making sure Connor got the memo. “Just, be safe. Text me and stuff I mean if you want,” Evan sighed- attempting to sound confident when you aren’t is much easier said than done.

 

Connor picked up his bag, and grabbed the notebook left on the ground. He left the gun on the ground, moving away from it like he was scared of it. “Hey, Hansen, I’ll see you around.” Connor looked at him, his previous joking smile wiped from his face.

 

“Yeah, see you,” Evan said quietly, but Connor already was walking away, and Evan doubted he had heard him.


	5. Seconds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some of the Murphy household.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers- Very small mention of self harm. Referenced drug and prostitution.
> 
> This one is sad, but tomorrow there is just going to be fluff.

Connor sat in his car, his head reeling. He looked down at his arm at the navy blue swirled letters that read ‘Evan Hansen’, followed by a series of digits he hoped were Evan’s actual number. He should’ve offered Evan a ride home, because he knew Evan didn’t drive and his house was like 3 miles away, but Connor needed a second to process. He was alive thanks to Evan Hansen. An awkward car ride is the last thing Connor wanted to deal with.

 

He took out his phone and made a contact name, simply ‘Hansen’, and typed in the number slowly and deliberately. He wanted to make sure he got everything right when he plugged it in. Why did he care? Evan was probably just nervous Connor would shoot himself if he wasn’t nice. Connor turned on the car, pushing these thoughts away. He just needed to focus and get home. The ride was short, and he watched the sun set as he drove, humming to music he forgot to put on.

 

When he pulled into the driveway, Connor remembered his wrists were still bloody. He took a water bottle from his glove compartment and poured it over his arm, rubbing at the half dried blood. It stung like all hell, and he was ruining the interior of his car, but he wanted today to pass without incident. After his arm was clean, he grabbed the lightest foundation he had and rubbed it into the cuts. The bumps of the inflamed tissue were still there, but the red was covered. _Good enough_.

 

He remembered he was most likely going to get a speech from his mom about how he should say when he’ll be home late, and a glare from Larry because he came home again, but he didn’t care. He shook his shoulders and cracked open the car door, breaking the suburban silence. He power walked toward the front door, not wanting his neighbors to see him. He pushed open his door to see his mom sitting at the marble breakfast bar with a glass of white wine in her hand.

 

“Hey, mom. Sorry I was out,” Connor mumbled, attempting to push past her to get upstairs to his room. It was quiet there, and he could text Evan. _Why can’t you get Evan off your mind?_

”Connor!” His mother perked up, making his plan of escape go down the drain. “Oh don’t worry about being home late,” Connor’s mom sniffed the air, then smiled brightly. ”You smell good, darling,” That was Cynthia’s way of noticing that he didn’t smoke that day, or at least didn't smell of it. He sighed. “I didn’t get a call, did you stay at school all day?” Connor nodded, head still down. “I’m really proud of you, hon,” She paused, looking confused. “What’s that on your arm, Con?”

 

Connor looked down, expecting she was talking about his scars. However, he followed her gaze and looked down at Evan’s swirled letters and numbers. “Oh, my friend just gave me his phone number. I didn’t have paper on me so he just wrote on my arm.”

 

“Oh, that’s great, Con! That’s really really great. I’m glad you made a friend, sweetie. I’ll let you head upstairs, but dinner will be ready in about 10 minutes,” Cynthia was still beaming, proud of her son’s minor accomplishment. He gave a halfhearted smile and walked upstairs.

 

Connor was a little ashamed. He got praise for doing the bare minimum, but to be fair, the bare minimum was a hard standard for him to reach. He floated up the stairs, confused at how differently today went from what he expected. He let out another sigh, looking at his plain wood door in the hallway of doors painted a pristine white. He just didn’t like the look of paint on a door. So the dark stained pine stood alone in the hall.

 

He sat on his bed, and pulled out his phone. **New conversation** with **Hansen**. He stared at the empty page. He didn’t know what to say. **Hey, how’re you**. _Oh, shit, I don’t know. He just saved the school druggie from committing. What do you think smartass?_ **It’s Connor Murphy**. _Really? How many new Connors has this kid met_. **Hi**. _Eloquently put, you should be a poet_. **Hey, it’s Connor. I just wanted to say thank you for today. I’ll hopefully see you around**. _Calm down, he doesn’t want your love poems._ **Goodnight**. _It’s six in the fucking afternoon!_ **Hey Hansen, it’s Connor.** Send

 

Just as he hit send, his mother called that dinner was ready. He took quite a bit of time deciding on a message. Normally, he wouldn’t’ve come down. Normally he would wait until the house was asleep then eat, to avoid his family ‘bonding’ time. But today was quite far from a normal day, so he hauled himself off his bed and headed down to the dining room where his family had dinner.

 

“Connor! You’re having dinner with us!” Cynthia beamed at her son again. She was so surprised Connor peeled himself off his bed to have social interactions. _They’re ashamed of you_. “We are having vegetarian lasagna, so you can have plenty,” Mrs. Murphy ran into the kitchen, presumably to fetch said food for the dysfunction she called her family.

 

The Murphys had a long, oak dining table the color of pitch. It had intricate designs and long, clawed legs. It was the most ‘Connor’ thing in the house, so he kind of liked placing himself there. It was very Victorian, and the only reason they still had it was because the original owners of the house had bolted the bastard into the ground. It sat 6 people, but only 4 people ever sat at it. On one head, sat Larry, with Zoe and Cynthia on his right and left respectively. On the other side sat Connor, flanked by no one, with a plate of untouched lasagna in front of him.

 

There was a serine silence at the table for a moment, like this is how every evening worked at the Murphy household. However, Larry poked in. “Connor, stop writing on your damn arm. You look crazy.” So much for today passing without incident. Connor clenched his fork, but made no remark. Luckily, his mom was in a good mood.

 

“Larry, hon, it’s actually a friend’s phone number. He didn’t have paper on him,” Cynthia smiled, like she was bragging about her five year old getting a participation trophy.

 

“Cynthia, do you really believe that? It’s probably just some drug dealer who he sucks off to get free weed,” Larry said, as though Connor wasn’t sitting across from him. As though they weren’t having dinner. “I mean, come on. Look at him,” Connor began to shake. He did everything his family wanted and he still got attacked. What did they want from him? He didn't even seem interested in the conversation. He said it like he was talking about getting a car wash. Zoe stared at her plate.

 

“Mom,” Connor turned, ignoring Larry sitting in the chair across from his. “Can I go to Evan’s house? I’ll be back by curfew,” Connor smiled, attempting to impersonate the look Zoe had when she asked about making plans.

 

“Hon, I’d like to meet this Evan kid first,” His mom obviously was starting to believe Larry’s remarks.

 

“He lives just down the block, like 7 houses. What if he walked over and picked me up? We could do introductions, and if you want we can hang out here.” Connor was doing his very best to sound sweet, ignoring the fact everyone had given up all hope on him.

 

“Oh honey, if he picks you up you can hang out at his house. I just want to make sure you’re safe and all. Get in touch with him now, and by the time you finish your dinner, he should be here.” Cynthia seemed reassured, and Larry and Zoe remained silent.

 

Connor looked down at his phone, noting a message from a minute ago saying ‘Hi Connor, it’s Evan’, then one from 37 seconds ago saying ‘I bet you knew it was me but like introductions and stuff’. Connor sighed, but in a happy/ relived way. **Come to my house asap. It’s 54 Willow lane**. Almost instantaneously, he got a text saying ‘I’m on my way. Give me a minute.’

 

Connor looked up at his mom, who had been watching him as he texted with intense focus. “He’ll be here in like a minute. I’m gonna grab my bag so we can study,” Connor walked out of the room, and ran to grab his bag. Right as he reached the bottom landing of his stairs, holding his bag, the doorbell rang. “I’ll get it!” Connor shouted.

 

He swung open the door, and heard his mother scuttle in behind him. Evan stood slightly damp outside his door. He realized it was drizzling, and internally cursed Larry for saying anything. He looked a little frazzled, but not unhappy. He was holding a bus stub in his hand. _Oh, that’s how he gets around. That makes a lot more sense_. There were a couple of rain droplets on his eyelashes. Connor smiled, happy Evan looked so presentable.

 

“Hi Connor. Hi Mrs. Murphy,” Evan muttered into his shoe. So much for presentable and not shady. Connor turned back to look at his mom, but saw that she was satisfied. Actually, quite a bit more than satisfied, she was ecstatic.

 

“Oh hello Evan! You two go have fun, I’ll leave you alone,” Ms. Murphy trotted back to the dining room. Connor sighed.

 

“What’s going on?” Evan asked. _Nice one. You forgot to tell him the fucking plan. You probably scared him half to death._

 

“I’m staying over your house tonight.”


	6. Breathe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan has Connor over part 1 of 3  
> No triggers this chapter! At least I think...   
> It's mostly fluff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I'm going to write a Be More Chill Michael/ Jeremy thing soon. So, if you're interested in that stuff, follow me! The gay will come quicker so if that's what you care about, have fun!

Evan looked up, surprised. Connor grabbed his hand, and began to power walk towards Evan’s house. Evan was still confused, but didn’t exactly know what to say or do. “You’re sleeping over? But, it’s Tuesday?” Connor let out a laugh, Evan was so naïve. 

“I know, Hansen, I remember the date,” Connor still didn’t know what he was doing. He and Evan had just rounded the end of his thin driveway and walked down the road. The mist hanging in the air reflected the red orange pink color hanging in the sky. He’d never admit it, but this was his favorite color, the color of dusk. “But I’m staying at your place to avoid my family. Don’t think anything by it,” He sighed, attempting to keep up appearances as the kid who didn’t care.

“Oh, yeah,” Evan said, feeling a tad disappointed. Connor internally kicked himself. Stop acting like you’re so tough. It’s okay to just want to spend the day with someone. “I just didn’t know what was going on and stuff.”

“Will your parents be okay with me staying at your house? I mean I could always just sleep in my car and say I was over,” Connor realized he rushed this plan a little. Well, not a little, a lot. He didn’t actually know if Evan would be okay with this. He knew he would just text his mom and say he was staying over, and she wouldn’t care. That’s what Zoe did, after all.

“My mom won’t be home tonight. She left about 10 minutes ago and will probably come home at four in the morning, unless she sleeps at work,” Evan said. He was speaking slowly, like he was nervous. 

“Hey, Hansen, I don’t have to stay over,” Connor reassured, realizing how flustered Evan seemed to be. You ask so much of people. Evan doesn’t want you over. You only really met today and that wasn’t in the best circumstances. Connor, no one wants to be your friend. No one wants to be around you. Remember what Larry said? ‘Look at him’. Look at yourself, Connor. Evan doesn’t want you around. No one has ever wanted y-

“No, I just haven’t had anyone over besides Jared in… a while,” Evan let out a nervous smile. They were almost to Evan’s house. Connor dropped Evan’s hand, just now realizing he had been leading Evan around this whole time. Evan smiled, walked to his door, and pulled a key out of his pockets to open the door. “This is my house.”

The house was smaller than Connor’s, but they had half the family members, so it made sense. The kitchen floor had white tiles, and every wall was painted either white or sky blue. Connor began to realize Evan’s fashion sense. Evan wordlessly maneuvered his guest to the stairs, and then to his room. It had a plain white door, like the other Murphy’s had. Connor was the only one without this plain white door. He frowned as Evan opened said door to his room.

The room was cluttered, but not in a messy way. It just seemed to have a lot of things in a small space. Evan had a bed, a desk, a dresser, a bookshelf, a nightstand, and shelves lining the walls of the small room. However, the one thing that caught Connor’s attention was the keyboard with a bar stool tucked into the corner of the room.

“Sorry it’s such a mess. I didn’t really expect guests,” Evan cracked that nervous smile again. 

“Don’t apologize, your room is,” Don’t say perfect, that sounds weird. “Nice,” Connor settled on, as he plopped himself down on Evan’s bed. “So, what do you want to do?”

“Oh!” Evan said, seeming suddenly confused. “Yes, we should do something. Wait, you asked what should we do. Oh, well, we have a lot of options. When Jared usually comes over,” There was a pause. “Well actually scrap that. Um we could watch movies or play board games or do school work or we could play cards or truth or dare,” Evan began to ramble, his voice becoming panicky.

“Take a breath, Hansen. We could always just talk? Play a bit of spin the bottle,” Connor winked, attempting to seem cooler than he was. You’re just making him uncomfortable. Stop it.

“Bu-but there is only the two of us,” Evan squeaked out. Told you.

“That was the joke, Hansen.”

“Oh. Ha.”

“Let’s just talk.”

“Yeah that sounds good,” Evan sighed, relived he didn’t have to deal with any possibly embarrassing situations. “Do you want to talk about the orchard,” Evan offered quietly.

“No.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s fine.”

Connor didn’t like being curt, he just really did not want to talk about the orchard. He could tell Evan was getting anxious by his short responses. He realized he should probably attempt to make Evan-based conversation. “So, how’d you break your arm?”

“Oh,” Evan looked up, like he had been asked a randomly personal question. “I fell out of a tree,” He muttered. Connor could tell something was up, but he didn’t want to press. He wanted to lighten the situation as much as he possibly could.

“Wow, that’s the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard,” Connor said. Then, the best possible outcome occurred. Evan laughed. It was subtle and soft and almost silent, but his face showed it. He was happy because of Connor. Connor made someone happy. This fact alone gave Connor a matching grin.

“I guess it is,” Evan said, smiling. Connor leaned back onto his elbows, so he was propped up but not quite sitting. Evan had a cute smile. Connor made it his goal to see that smile as much as possible.

“So, tree boy, what do you do in your spare time besides breaking bones and saving lives,” Connor smiled. He was suddenly very comfortable. He looked at Evan, who also seem comfortable. When Connor asked, something flashed in Evan’s eyes. Excitement. Evan was excited to talk to Connor.

“Oh, well, I really like to read. I also really like trees and stuff. I know a lot about them. They just interest me, you know? They are so resilient. I think it’s cool and stuff,” Evan said, talking in a very animated fashion. Connor had never seen Evan look anyone in the eye, much less be animated.

“So, you’re a tree nerd?” Connor asked, but he made sure his tone was a kind one. He didn’t want to make Evan nervous. He was lucky enough to be allowed into his home, he couldn’t let this opportunity slip away. Evan nodded, smiling a bit to himself.

“Thanks for having me over, Hansen.”

“No problem.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I told a friend it'd be up by 8:30. Look at me go

“Mom!” The doorway to Evan’s house opened quietly. Connor and Evan had been sitting on his bed, talking about meaningless things. They kept the façade that they were old friends; that today was just another day. Connor was happy with that, just them sitting together. So when the door opened, Connor was a little annoyed when Evan sat bolt upright to address the other person in his space.

The apartment was small, so the sound traveled quickly through the house. Evan got up, moving toward the end of his room. “You’re home early!” Connor sighed. He felt bad, but he just wanted to have a second to himself with Evan. “It’s only 8! What happened?” Evan looked back at Connor, and seemed to have a realization. “Oh. You’re early,” Connor watched as his mistake dawned on Evan’s face. She didn’t know Connor was there. “I’ll be right down.”

Connor looked at Evan silently, trying to judge what he should do. Evan gave the same panicked look to Connor. After a moment of silence, Evan reached out his hand to grab Connor. Connor raised his eyebrow, a small bit nervous. He didn’t want to get him in trouble. However, he didn’t really have the time to consider everyone possible outcome as Evan grabbed Connor’s hand and pulled him out of the room. 

After they slowly traipsed through the house, they stopped in front of a thin blonde woman. She seemed tired, but content. Then, as her light green eyes looked into Connor’s blue ones, the tired smile on her face turned into a brimming grin. Connor was about to raise his hand to introduce himself to the owner of the small home, but he felt the comforting weight of Evan’s hand in his. He let go, but before he could, the woman’s eyes met their hands, fingers intertwined in fingers.

Connor flinched as he heard his father’s voice in his head. He heard the same speech he got about what type of ‘guy’ he was after Larry had heard about what had happened with Jared. However, when he looked into her eyes, her welcoming smile grew happier somehow. It was so contagious, his nerves melted into a small smile. “Evan, honey! I told you you’d make a friend other than Jared,” She paused. “You made another friend other than Jared!”

“Mom!” Evan’s voice was so high it broke on the one syllable word. Connor couldn’t help but laugh. “I have friends other than Jared over all the time,” he mumbled. Suddenly, Evan’s mom looked mildly concerned.

“Sweetie pie, have you been having other people over without telling me? I don’t know I feel about that. How long has this been happening? I can’t remember the last time you’ve had someone other than Jared. Hon, how long have you been keeping this from me? This is a serious breach of our trust.” Connor could tell she was teasing, but Evan didn’t seem to get the joke. “Hey, I’m Heidi Hansen, Evan’s mom.”

Connor put out his hand. “I’m Connor Murphy, I live down the road,” She smiled at him again, and they shook hands. Evan had turned an unsightly shade of purple, furiously unbuttoning and buttoning his top button while staring at the ground. 

“Sorry I interrupted this,” Heidi motioned her hand toward the two boys standing on opposite sides of the kitchen. “But some lovely man covered my shift. He was very handsome, almost as handsome as my little boy,” Heidi grabbed Evan’s cheek, getting her hand smacked away. Connor snorted. 

"Mom, Connor is sleeping over tonight,” He tried to seem professional, like he wasn’t flustered, like he was assertive. “We are going to go upstairs and hang out.”

“Honey, I want to meet your new friend. He seems very sweet, but I just want to make sure,” She ushered Connor to the living room, which had a strong grandmotherly vibe to it. “After all, I need to have that experience of tolerating one of your friends,” She patted the spot on the sofa next to her, smirking at Connor.

Connor sat down next to her, and they talked. They talked about school, about science fiction books, about the princess bride and about Evan. He learned that Evan was scared of thunderstorms, that his first word was “cutie” because his mom called him that so much, that Heidi had a plethora of naked baby photos that she could send him, and that Evan turned very red when his mom brought up all these thing. 

They talked for an hour before Evan broke up the conversation. “Connor and I have homework we need to get to, so we should get going,” He attempted to grab Connor’s hand, but to his visible dismay, he didn’t take Evan’s hand.

“It is fine, Hansen. We can get it done later. None of it is due tomorrow anyway. But, we should have dinner. I wouldn’t want any of us getting hungry,” And with that, Connor whisked the family into the kitchen. The conversation then switched to all the meals Connor could whip up for the odd trio standing in the room. Because the conversation moved off of him, Evan began to poke fun at his mother. Connor smiled as they domestically discussed whether they should have American chop suey or pasta primavera. 

He wished that he could have this normal. That he could talk and joke with his mom. He wished when he came home he wasn’t scared. He wished he wasn’t who he was. You’re the only reason your family is so messed up. You don’t deserve a mom like Heidi, you don’t deserve a, a person like Evan. Remember, you’re you and the Connor Murphys of the world don’t get to be happy. However, he found it in himself to be happy, even if it was just for a few moments. 

They decided together on just plain pasta with sauce. Connor made it while talking to Heidi about his hair (‘it’s so pretty, you have it so well kept’, ‘eh, it just kind of works itself out’, ‘Oh my goodness, I’m so jealous’). Evan smiled, but maintained comfortably silent. They all seemed to be content with everything, something Connor missed. How can you miss something you’ve never had?

They had dinner without incident, and washed up quickly. Heidi talked to Connor some more before mentioning something about leaving at four the next morning for work and that Evan needed to stick to his bedtime even while on his playdate. Connor laughed, Evan didn’t. She whisked them upstairs to go to bed. And for once, Connor listened to an adult in his life. He fell asleep curled at the foot of Evan’s bed, focusing on the noise Evan made when he breathed.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for all the posting issues. This is more of chapter 7.5,, but this website wont let me do that sooo

**Chapter 7.5**

Heidi closed her bedroom door and sighed. She was so content as she got herself ready to bed. She closed her eyes and replayed Evan, her nervous son she was always so scared for, with his fingers’ wrapped around Connor’s. She re-watched as Evan blushed and talked to him, when they set the table together, leaning over each other and smiling when their eyes met. She did it. She managed to make her anxious son who grew up with a confused mom happy. And yes, she was taking credit for Evan’s nervous smiles.

 

She was glad that Evan picked Connor to hang out with. Honestly, she didn’t care whether they were dating, just friends or whatever they were. Evan was happy, and he was safe. She wanted to laugh, she was so excited. He was shedding those abandonment fears _he_ gave him. She knew very little about Connor, but he wasn’t going to leave Evan. He was a good kid. Just as much as Evan. Just right for Evan.

 

She curled her nails into her palms. She couldn’t shake _his_ face, floating and smiling and shouting and grabbing her arms. She was used to these moments, which is why she worked so much. She threw most of the money towards Evan’s college experience, and then the rest at making Evan happy. She worked to keep her mind busy, to keep her mind off his hands and smile and stomach and knees and eyes. She knew it was his eyes in Evan’s wonderful face. Sometimes she could see him so clearly she felt like she might cry.

 

No, that was not what tonight would be. Tonight was about now, not then. Connor wasn’t going to leave Evan. At the very least, she wouldn’t leave him. She would stay forever if that was Evan needed. She would give her life for Evan, but she saw that same determination in the taller boy’s face. She saw that care in Connor’s eyes every time he looked at Evan. She took her nails out of her palms and relaxed her hand, sighing.

 

_You did it. You were finally enough for him. They have each other, don’t worry. They’ll be okay._

_Your family is going to be okay._

And she slept soundly for the first night in a decade.


	9. Chapter 9

Evan woke up first. He always woke up fifteen minutes before his alarm, but today he could hear a quiet beeping near his face. He stretched as he gently pressed the button that would silence the alarm. His foot hit something near the base of his bed. **_Connor_**

 

Evan jumped out of bed, and realized he had school today. But, his alarm went off, so it must be about 6, meaning he had an hour before he had to walk to school. He slipped into the bathroom, washing his face and brushing his teeth. Right in the middle of the latter activity, he heard a loud fog horn noise. _Connor’s alarm. That makes sense._ With the toothbrush still wedged between his teeth, Evan opened the door to see Connor looking frazzled.

 

“Oh thank fuck. I thought you left without me,” Connor seemed a bit off kilter.

 

Evan pushed his hair back. “School doesn’t start for another hour. Why would I have left?” Evan smiled, trying to calm the lanky brunette perched on the corner of his bed.

 

“Ev, honey,” Evan frowned hearing Connor use his mother’s words used to mock him. “It’s 7. School starts in 25 minutes,” Oh, shoot. Evan looked out the window, watching a bus pass by his house. _Oh, shoot._

Suddenly, Evan and Connor began to move in opposite paths. Connor walked to the corner of the room. Before Evan moved into the bathroom again, he saw the other boy shoot him a confused look. “Bottom draw. There is a pair of white jeans that are too long for me. I think I have a navy blue thin shirt in the top left draw. I’ll be right out.”

 

Evan closed the door, spit out his toothbrush, and unzipped his fly. As he peed, he heard his room being disheveled as Connor looked for the clothes. He washed his hands, and flung open the door to get dressed. Connor stood shirtless in the middle of his room, pulling on the blue shirt. Evan looked him up and down, then looked at Connor, who winked at him before pulling on his shirt. Evan blushed. “Is your fly down, or are you just happy to see me,” Connor said as he walked into the bathroom. Evan was sure to change as quickly as possible.

 

When Connor walked out, he handed Evan his bag as Evan handed Connor his deodorant. They were working in perfect synch as they got ready. Evan handed Connor a hairbrush as he was handed his shoes from the taller boy. Connor brushed his hair with his wallet and keys shoved in between his teeth. Evan put on his shoes while he zipped up Connor’s bag. Their big accomplishment was when Evan and Connor tossed each other a packed and zipped bad simultaneously, and each boy catching his own bag. That deserved a triumphant smile.

 

They rushed downstairs. Connor checked his phone. “We have 12 minutes to get there. Let’s go!” Evan watched Connor open his door.

 

“No!” Evan shouted accidentally to stop Connor from leaving. “We need, well don’t we need breakfast?” Evan looked down at his hands as he asked this.

 

“Hansen, we’re going to be late!” Connor ushered to the door, hoping Evan would just walk to school with him.

 

“I’d rather be late than miss the most important meal of the day! I’ll make us a pop tart, then we can go,” Evan grabbed the box, unwrapped a pop tart, and threw it in the toaster.

 

“We don’t need to cook it! We need to go!” Evan was surprised about how adamant Connor was about getting to school. That didn’t negate, however, the atrocity Connor had just suggested.

 

“You don’t mean to tell me you eat _untoasted_ pop tarts?!” Evan looked back at Connor, attempting to look as appalled as he felt. “Connor, I knew you were weird but I didn’t know you were downright insane.”

 

“We don’t have time for this, Evan!” Just as he said that, the toaster popped. Evan grabbed them, put one in his mouth and shoved the other into Connor’s hand.

 

“You’ll thank me,” Evan said, his mouth full and his mind rushing. He ate the deliciously warm pop tart as he ran out of his house. He looked at Connor. He had his hair pushed back in a ponytail in bright white slacks and a navy blue shirt. He smiled. Connor looked really nice

 

“Evan, we have seven minutes to get there!”

 

“I still think it was worth it.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the love and comments on my last chapter! They mean a lot to me.
> 
> I hope you like this one. I'm trying my best.

The next couple weeks were rather bizarre. Connor could tell Evan was very nervous to talk to him in public, so when they walked into school, they would quietly depart. They fell into a routine, after school Connor would go to Evan’s house, head home at nine, sleep (or do something for the next 10 hours), meet up outside Evan’s house, and drive to school using Connor’s car. Sometimes, Evan would insist on walking, and Connor didn’t really care what they did as long as they got to do it together.

 

School was a bit different now that he had Evan. He wasn’t really skipping, and in the classes he had with Evan he took notes, or drew, or wrote, he didn’t care as long as when Evan looked back at him he’d notice his ‘work ethic’. Connor mostly skipped lunch and got something to eat in a nearby restaurant, but he found himself walking into the lunch room and pulling a seat next to Evan. Unfortunately, this meant the occasional conversation with Jared, but Connor grew accustomed to his presence eventually.

 

Lunch was the main reason Connor cared to stick it out through the day. He loved sitting down next to Evan and hearing him stutter through the recount of the day thus far. He would mention what class he liked, what students he hated, and what teachers he looked up to. Evan would always do most of the talking, which was ideal in Connor’s eyes. He just needed to get him to _start_ talking. Once Connor managed that, he would never stop.

 

Connor noticed some things, though. He noticed how Evan pushed back his hair and how he picked his cast and the way he smiled when a teacher brought up a subject that interested him. He noticed Evan’s eyelashes when it rained and how his toes curled in when he stepped on cold tile. He observed how the blonde boy would rub his arm when he was comfortable and how he stuck out his tongue when he was concentrating. It was a little bit addicting, trying to be aware of all of Evan’s little habits.

 

However, the one Connor always noticed without fail was how Evan would scoot closer to him when he was nervous. For the most part, Evan seemed to appreciate his space. But, the second he was scared or panicky, he would want to put his hand in Connor’s or rest his head on his shoulder. Connor also slowly learned that when Evan was about to have a panic attack, he liked his hair being touched. Connor didn’t complain about any one of these things.

 

At least, at first. Then, something inside Connor began to turn against him. Whenever the shorter boy would curl up to his side for comfort, he felt his stomach drop and his spine straighten. It was suddenly the most painful thing in the world when Evan touched Connor. Not in the sense of actual pain, Connor just became very aware of every hair on his head and how his arms were weird and the way his legs looked funny in shorts. He couldn’t focus, he couldn’t enjoy himself, his brain was moving a mile a minute and he didn’t get to relax.

 

He felt like he never had a chance to relax in more than one way, actually. Between attempting to appease Evan and his family, he had quite a bit on his plate. He began doing schoolwork at home, he volunteered at the state forest with Evan on Sundays, and between all of that he tried to sleep. It was exhausting, but it was worth it to see Evan smile when he turned in his homework and when he was fully awake at school.

 

That’s why his issue with Evan was getting to him, Evan was how he relaxed. He sat with Evan on his bed and talked about everything, from smoothies to politics. Even though they always managed to get heated about everything they discussed, they were comfortable. Well, Evan was comfortable. So was Connor, ‘til Evan nudged him or poked him or pushed his hair out of his eye, brushing his fingers on Connor’s cheek. Then he felt a panic bubbling up from inside his skin.

 

As the days went on, he got more used to the electricity moving down his spine whenever he made physical contact with Evan. After a bit, it almost seemed normal. Until a Saturday three weeks after they first started talking.

 

“Uhm, Connor, can I braid your hair?” The two boys have been sitting in a peaceful silence while the TV hummed the noises of an old black and white film. Connor hadn’t been falling asleep, but he had definitely zoned out for a few minutes. However, this quickly snapped him back to attention.

 

“Oh, um, sure,” Connor could hear how off kilter his voice was. It was a bit higher, and much more strained. He felt Evan shimmy next to him, and take some of Connor’s hair in his hands. He was barely breathing as Evan twisted his hair and hummed _Somewhere Over The Rainbow_ , his favorite song.

 

Evan seemed to be able to tell Connor wasn’t breathing or moving, so he stopped. He frowned, and adjusted to look at Connor, who was looking down. “Are you okay? You seem stressed,” Evan had a small frown and Connor noticed he was chewing his bottom lip. He felt trapped. He gave a sad smile and looked at Evan.

 

Connor was the first one to say what he felt, because nine times out of ten he knew how he felt, but he didn’t with Evan. When he looked at him, he was happy. He felt safe and secure and unafraid, but not now. He was scared at himself, he didn’t know why he couldn’t shake the thought of Evan no matter how hard he tried. He felt the same fear he did when Jared had told the first person, but nothing had gone wrong yet. That was the key, _yet_. Connor had managed to make two friends in his life, and it seemed he was destined to lose those two friends in the same way. “I’m fine, Hansen.”

 

Evan grabbed the three pieces and began to French braid Connor’s hair again. But Connor couldn’t help but hold his breath whenever Evan’s hands brushed against the back of his neck or when his knee bumped Connor’s side. Connor hated himself. _Why do you have to be like this? You are going to scare him away. He wants regular friends, not you. Why do you try? He hates you. Everybody hates you. He’s going to find out, and he’s going to leave you, like everyone else did._

“Done!” Evan said triumphantly, turning to look at Connor. He smiled, and looked at the brunette’s braid like a proud mother. “I think I made you look really nice!” There was a pause while Evan realized what he said. “Well, I mean, you look nice always. Well, you look average. Wait, that sounds mean. No, I just mean you look like what you always look like but with braids. So you look nice and you also have braids. I think,” Evan rambled.

 

“Evan, I think you look nice too,” Connor mumbled. He felt this was a good way to do it, with a confident compliment. But, his confidence faltered and he sounded just as nervous as Evan. “You always look nice.”

 

The room was suddenly very quiet. Both Evan and Connor were looking at each other, trying to find signs that the other was feeling some sort of way. Connor was nervous, seeing Evan’s eyes move around his face. Suddenly, Evan broke the tense silence. “You too.”

 

Connor was very aware of how close they were, how their knees touched and how their mouths were less than a foot apart. They stayed like that for a moment, until Evan stood up. “We should go to bed,” Connor could hear how nervous Evan was as he talked. Everything seemed wrong, and off. This wasn’t what he wanted.

 

“Yeah. Good night, Evan.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It got gay, folks

Connor had slept downstairs to avoid making Evan any more awkward than last night had already been. However, they were still going out to the orchard today, the first time either had went since the incident. Connor and Evan had been excited, but now the air seemed to be tenser. When Evan came down, Connor had made them some eggs, and they ate in silence. _You fucked up, Connor._

He assumed the plan was off, until Evan washed his dish, grabbed a bag, and started heading out the door. “Connor, let’s go. I want to be there before everyone else gets there,” he smiled, waved for Connor to come with him. Connor disregarded the assumption that other people would be at a deserted apple orchard. He was surprised that they were still going, but he wasn’t complaining. He threw on some shoes and headed for the door.

 

The ride was much less awkward, thanks to Evan. He began rambling about everything he wanted to do and all the things he could teach Connor about the forest. Connor was happy he was talking, but he wanted last night to be mentioned. He knew _something_ had gone on, purely in how weird giving compliments were. It wasn’t normal to just _ignore_ someone after giving them a compliment, was it? Maybe Connor just didn’t understand people. That made the most sense, because Evan seemed fine.

 

They drove and talked but Connor couldn’t help shake a thought in the back of his mind- _you messed this all up._ Connor was no stranger to ruining relationships, but this seemed so much worse. But, as Evan talked, he couldn’t help but feel reassured. Connor even made one of his innuendoes to test the waters, and Evan awkwardly laughed and turned a shade of crimson. _Just like normal_.

 

They got out, and Evan handed Connor a basket. Evan looked around the small parking lot and smiled as he walked toward the Iron Gate that lead to the abandoned orchard. Connor just watched him for a moment, watched Evan grin and push at his hair. He then realized he was falling behind, so he ran to catch up with him. _You don’t deserve Evan. He doesn’t want you here._

Evan moved quickly, making Connor sprint to keep up. He weaved through the crooked trees and looked at a hill in the distance. They both saw an immensely tall bending hemlock among the sea of sun-yellowed grass. They began to run toward it. Connor didn’t know why, but he began to laugh as they moved through the shin-high foliage and darted by trees. He was happy, even if it was silly.

 

When they got there, Connor put down the blanket at the top of the basket and unbuttoned his grey flannel. Evan was a bit behind, so he watched as he walked up the hill, a small hitch to his breath due to the running. He looked nice, his hair the golden color of the grass and his eyes the color of the sky. Connor’s smile was crooked, he was admiring everything. It was a little windy, so the hair that had escaped the braid Evan had given him moved in the wind. _This is nice. Enjoy yourself_. “You look nice, Connor! Sorry I fell behind, I just haven’t been here in… a while,” Despite the fact that he mentioned ‘the incident’, neither of their smiles faltered.

 

“You too. Sit down Hansen, we have a fun day ahead of us,” Connor hadn’t said much today, but he was glad he did. Evan eagerly plopped himself next to Connor and opened the basket. He grabbed an iced tea and fruit snacks. _Of course Evan loves fruit snacks; that is such an Evan thing to like_.

 

“It’s a nice day out, actually. Like, it’s warm and there’s a bit of a breeze. You don’t normally get that in early October,” Evan smiled, picking up a red leaf dropped by a nearby oak. “I’m glad we came before it got cold.” Evan flipped the leaf around in his hands, before placing it back on the ground. “I’m glad we came in general.”

 

Connor smiled, looking down at Evan. His cheeks were a bit red from the cold wind, and he had nestled his hands into his black bomber jacket he ‘borrowed’ from Connor 10 days ago. “Me too. So,” Connor paused, not knowing what to say. Evan wasn’t looking at him, he was looking over the hill into the orchard, with a small, content smile playing on his lips. However, somehow he knew Evan was listening. “Let’s talk.”

 

Evan cocked his head, snapping his eyes back on Connor’s Evan took his hands out of his pockets and he propped himself up by leaning on them, moving a bit closer to Connor. _Fuck is he pretty_. “About anything in particular?” Evan’s question was warm and his eyes were focused. _He’s happy. Good job, just try to keep it up. Make him as happy as he makes you._

 

“No, not really. I just,” _Don’t sound creepy or gay. People notice when you sound creepy or gay._ “I just like talking to you.” _You managed to do both, props!_

“I like you too!” Evan said, before turning red. “I mean, I like talking to you too. I mean, I like you but more than that I like talking to you. I mean it’s nice sitting here and talking but the real reason it’s nice is because I’m talking to you. And I don’t really talk to that many-“

 

Connor didn’t know what came over him, but he put his hand on Evan’s back and kissed him. Evan was still talking when he kissed him, but his ramblings subsided when Connor’s lips touched his. Evan had smooth lips and a bit of stubble around his mouth. His breath was hot and he could still taste the iced tea on his lips. Connor was happy with the kiss. It was short, but the second he pulled away he regretted it. _Why the hell did you do that? Remember last time? You’re a complete fuck up._ “I’m sorry Eva-“

Now it was Evan who moved forward. He put a hand in Connor’s hair and the other one, the one with the heavy cast he maneuvered so gently, on his leg. Connor couldn’t focus on anything, except the fact that Evan Hansen was kissing him. The Evan Hansen that saved his life and that smelled of lavender and wouldn’t let him leave home without breakfast. The Evan Hansen who tasted of iced tea and had just rambled about liking being with him. The same Evan Hansen that had thrown him into a gay panic the past three weeks. The same Evan Hansen whose hand was rubbing circles on his back. The kiss was only about 3 seconds, but that was far too long and far too short for Connor. When Evan’s face came into view, it was just as red as his.

 

“Oh, oh dear,” Evan suddenly began to wring his hands, or mimic that motion on a hand covered by a cast. The cast with Connor’s name on it. “That was my first kiss.” Evan seemingly didn’t want to share this information, as he just turned a deeper crimson. “Oh dear.”

 

“It’s okay Hansen,” Connor attempted to lean back, acting calm. However, instead of feeling calm and confident, he felt like a crab with Botox injections. He didn’t know what to do with his legs or his arms. He felt silly. “I wouldn’t have known.”

 

“Oh dear,” Evan repeated, but it seemed happier and at least a bit less panicked. “Oh dear.”


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Small mention of a sad nightmare Evan has? But otherwise Evan is anxious and Connor thinks he's cool.

Evan was a bit shocked. Here he was, sitting under the tree he fell from, hand awkwardly touching fingers with Connor Murphy. The same Connor who had kissed him. The same Connor who he had kissed. He hadn’t really said much, but the silence didn’t feel weird. It was just happening. Connor began to drum his hands on the picnic basket.

 

“Hey, Hansen. You doing okay?” Connor’s eyes seemed like a mix of concern and confusion. His nose had scrunched a little, like he was focusing, and Evan could see his teeth pulling in the skin on his lips. _Wait, how long have you been looking at him? You have to say something! The longer it takes the weirder it’ll be. Wait, what was his question? How are you, maybe? Just say you’re good._

“I’m good,” Evan knew he sounded a little nervous, but Connor ignored it. Evan felt like Connor could see right through him, be he couldn’t read Connor at all. He always seemed to have this half smile half smirk dancing on his lips at all time. He only had seen him upset that day in the orchard. He had nightmares about that night; he’d see Connor’s face, covered in blood, like he’d shot the bullet at his head. Every time, he’d just look at Evan and say “please”, before dropping down dead. He shook off that image.

 

He adjusted his arm and heard the swish of Connor’s jacket around his cast. He wore this jacket because of that noise; it had a good ability to ground him when he was feeling panicky. “Evan, you seem to be a bit nervous. Want to go on a walk?” Evan wordlessly let Connor help his up, and they began their walk.

 

As they walked, Evan saw an acorn on the ground. He sputtered out “Do you know that an acorn counts as a fruit?” Connor smiled at him, turning so he was walking backwards so he could face Evan. _He doesn’t care. You are hanging out and that’s what you say? He’s going to think you’re weird._

 

“I did not, but I’m glad I do now,” Connor smirked at him, the same way he did when he made any joke that would make Evan blush or a sly comment that most certainly had a meaning other than the non-offensive one Evan heard. Because Connor was walking backwards, their pace had slowed. They were at a more dense part of the forest, so they had to be careful to not bump into anything or each other. “Any other tree facts you can tell me?”

 

“If we were to put a house here, we would need about 1/3 less air conditioning than a house without trees around it,” Evan smiled, getting comfortable. He had been looking at the ground, so he didn’t notice that Connor had stopped moving. When he did walk into him, he saw why Connor couldn’t walk back farther, he was backed against a tree. And now so was Evan, pressing his chest and knees against Connor. He jumped back, the taller boy put his hands behind his head and laughed, still leaning against the tree.

 

Sometimes Evan envied Connor’s ability to be relaxed. Of course, he’d seen him be high strung, but he wasn’t fazed when Evan walked into him or touched him or anything. And if he was, he did a good enough job of hiding it. “Nice job Hansen,” Connor teased. He reached out his left hand and pulled Connor off the tree.

 

Evan smiled again, something dawning on him. Even though he thought he was a mess, Connor didn’t. He took Connor’s hand and kept walking.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ahh sorry this is so late and so short. Tomorrow I'm going to publish a long sad chapter, so enjoy my good mood writing if you can before it gets bad

Evan had fallen asleep under the tree, resting his head on Connor’s lap. He had a small content smile on his face, and Connor’s hands were on his head when he had fallen asleep. Every time he pulled his hands away, Evan had shook his head in disapproval in his sleep. Connor would mock him for this later, in the nicest way possible of course.

 

He looked up at the green-yellow light spilling between the tree leaves above him. It was almost ethereal in the early afternoon light. He also had a similar smile to what Evan had, happy and content and unthinking. Connor thought of the heavy head placed against his hip bone, dragging his fingers from the blonde’s hair and to his neck. Evan shivered in his sleep. Connor grinned in a devious manner, replicating the action.

 

It was probably around seven in the afternoon. Evan had gotten a worried call from Heidi after he had dozed off, so Connor took the liberty of answering. They talked, explaining where Evan was and why he wasn’t able to answer the phone, and then he just talked with her for a while. He wished he could talk to his mom more.

 

Evan had also gotten a text from Jared. It simply read ‘have fun being gay without me’. Connor frowned at the message, but not in an angry way. He was just confused. His memory of the party seemed so distant, and for once he didn’t get angry thinking about it. He got a little sad, wondering if Jared was in a bad place, just like he was. If he can give that out to himself, he should at least give it to other people.

 

Now Connor was just looking at Evan. He watched as his awkward length hair swoosh against his hand whenever he adjusted his fingers in his hair. He noticed how the area around his cast was red with the friction, and he saw the hint on scabbed over scars farther down his broken appendage. Connor looked down at his own torn skin, and grimaced thinking about how Evan was a little too much like him. He felt the sting of possible tears in his eyes, but he blinked them away. He forced his eyes to move to Evan’s knees, curled in toward his chest in a position that could only be described as defensive. He seemed so guarded, even from Connor. Again, Connor realized how similar he was to this boy curled on the ground.

 

Evan began to let out a little noise that was the cutest snore in the world. Connor’s sad and worried expression changed again, he was happy. Judging by the fact Evan had fallen asleep at 5:30 in the afternoon and his ever present eye bags, he probably didn’t sleep much. And if he did, the sleep mustn’t have been good or refreshing. So Connor watched contently and with a small bit of pride as he slept. Whenever Connor’s thoughts drifted, he simply thought _Look, you aren’t that much of a fuck up. Evan is comfortable with you for now. Isn’t that not a good thing? Focus on that._

Evan stretched, sounding like a cat waking from a nap. He slowly opened his bleary eyes, turning up to look at Connor. He suddenly seemed aware that he must’ve been asleep on Connor’s lap, because he shot up and scooted away. Connor just looked at him, hoping said look would get across his point. Seemingly it did, because Evan let his tense shoulders relax as he took in a breath. The sky’s blood color reflected in Evan’s eyes, and just by looking at him, he felt like he could see the whole sky in his eyes.


	14. Note to self

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a little sad, the next chapter will be angst, then it might get good again but who knows?

Connor had driven the two home, walking into Evan’s house. Right before Connor turned, he kissed Evan on the cheek. Evan was glad he wasn’t the one making that move, and he hugged Connor back before watching him disappear down the driveway. It was a nice day, and Evan walked into his house smiling lightly from both the kiss and the fact that his hair was jostled from being placed on Connor’s lap.

 

He moved upstairs to his room and sat down by his desk, realizing it was seven on a Sunday and he hadn’t done even a small bit of homework. He flipped open his laptop, typed in his password, and opened up his docs app. A red banner had appeared at the top of his screen, stating that he was running out of storage. _With all your homework and letters it was bound to happen eventually_. He groaned, opening up the folder with the letters he wrote. They were cluttering his space, so he decided to go through and delete some. He started from the summer before senior year, as that was when this whole silly escapade started.

 

 

Dear Evan Hansen,

Junior year is officially over, and I’ve been put to the task of writing myself letters this summer. It seems really odd to me, but I was told this is how I’m going to get better. This is a practice letter that I’m not giving to the doctor, so I’m going to be honest; today hasn’t been so good. There hasn’t been a stereotypical ‘good day’ for Evan Hansen for the 17 years I’ve been alive. But, I guess that makes the bad days feel a little bit better, knowing that there isn’t anything you could do to make it better.

Sincerely, me (I was told to write that)

 

Dear Evan Hansen,

Today has been a good day. I got that internship at the forest, so I’ll have things to do to keep me occupied. I also ordered my own food off the phone for the first time. It was terrifying but I still did it. However, I don’t think I’ll do it again. I’ll write back soon. Also the doctor said I didn’t have to give him these letters. Thank God.

Sincerely me.

 

Dear Evan Hansen,

Things are getting worse. Things just always get worse and worse and worse. I broke my two week streak, and now it’s the middle of July and I’m going to have to wear a sweatshirt everywhere. Not that I have anywhere to be or anywhere to go, cause all I do is sit at home and make everything harder for everyone. I’m going to worry my mom and then she is going to see and send me to some hospital that she can’t afford just to postpone whatever I’m going to do to myself by a week. The first time she saw the cuts she cried. That’s all you make people do, you bother them and you make them cry and all you do is stutter and stammer and make things worse. Why do people keep me around?

Sincerely, me.

 

Dear Evan Hansen,

Today is the first day with the cast. It hurts a little bit and I don’t really like it but I guess that’s what I guess when you j̸u̸m̸p̸ fall out of a tree. School starts soon, and I want nothing more to stay home and not worry about it, but I have to. That’s what everyone expects of me, so that’s what I’ll do. I feel really bad that I can’t be what everyone wants of me.

Sincerely me.

 

Dear Evan Hansen,

I met Connor Murphy today, and he has fallen asleep by my feet. I’m typing this on my phone because I don’t want to wake him up. I don’t know how this all happened but I’ll tell you the story after the parts you probably don’t want to remember. He walked off, and I started walking home, but a bus came by and I had money so I took it. However, for some reason, I kept wondering what was going on with Connor. For some reason I trusted him when he promised to go home, and I think he stayed true to that promise. And I was right, I guess. By the time I got home, he had texted me. I know people say something about waiting to text back, but I didn’t. Should I have? Whatever, doesn’t matter now. Then out of the blue he told me to go to his house, and I ran. I don’t know why I did, but I was excited to see him again. I mean, it had only been like an hour but I still wanted to see him, hopefully in better circumstances. When he got to the door he looked so nice. His hair was combed and his arms were cleaned up and his eyes were matching his smile. I swear to God I nearly died when I saw him in that doorway. He walked back to my house and said he was staying the night. I didn’t care even a little bit. (Well, I didn’t until I found out him and my mom seem to just want to make it their goal to embarrass me as much as possible). And now he is asleep in my bed. I feel weird, but in a good way.

Sincerely me.

 

Dear Evan Hansen,

This is a week after the whole Connor thing, and things are going good. As I said in my last letter, I think Connor makes it his mission to embarrass me as much as possible. He sent off on this weird tirade today about me not swearing and tried to get me to. I almost did too, which is so out of character for me. I say a lot of dumb nonsense, but I just don’t like swearing. Connor didn’t seem to believe this explanation though, and tried to get me to tell him to ‘f*** off’, mostly by insulting things I like. But I couldn’t take him seriously as he laughed and smiled in that way that feels weird when you look at it, like you’re watching something oddly intimate. So I ended up winning, but I think I disappointed him, because I was too, whatever he called it. So, f*ck you Connor! (I was going to leave it uncensored but I couldn’t.)

Sincerely me.

 

Dear Evan Hansen,

I think Connor Murphy is trying to kill me. Today we were talking and he put his arm around my shoulder and I had an asthma attack. I felt like I could’ve just died right there in the middle of school, but in a way that isn’t the normal school death scenarios. This was the real deal, like if he had touched me anymore than he was I would’ve just fallen dead in the hall. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I knew I was awkward but this is a new level. Also, he gave me his jacket. It looks like this-

Sincerely me.

 

Dear Evan Hansen, there is a very real problem.

I know that isn’t how you format letters but I guess the universe is okay with being a crazy b*tch now so why not (see I’m cool and I swear look at me go). Anyhow, back to my very real and important problem; I can’t stop thinking about kissing Connor Murphy. Whenever he talks or laughs or anything I look at his lips and then bam- I want to make out with him. I haven’t even hugged anyone besides my mom! Is this normal? Send help.

Sincerely me.

(P.S. never tell Jared things like these again. He thinks I’m gay and doing things with Connor. I’m not doing anything with Connor.)

 

Dear Evan Hansen,

I don’t know what to do anymore. I need help.

Sincerely me.

 

 

The last letter was signed just two days ago. Evan signed, deleting every one he wrote during the summer, keeping the ones after that. Then he opened up a tab, attempting to write an essay about the Stonewall riots before realizing in his second to last letter he only disagreed with the second thing Jared accused him of. _Good one, Evan._


	15. Relapse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I decided to add an archive warning because of this chapter. Though it isn't that gory, I graphically describe really bad self harming. Please please don't do this. I am writing from experience with these things, not to instruct people to do them. If you don't want to read this chapter because of this, in the beginning of the next chapter I will explain the plot points covered, because something important does happen here. I'm sorry, please take caution with this, and stay safe

Relapse,

It’s just never a good word, even if you don’t know the context. The worse part is when you do know. Connor knew exactly what was happening when he woke up at 2AM almost a week later. He felt a pull, like he needed it. He got up and ran toward his dresser, tearing it apart. _Fuck_ , he hid it from himself a week after he met Evan.

 

It had been almost a month since the last time this happened, but somehow it seemed like that time he was clean didn’t count because Evan was there. He couldn’t do this when Evan was just a 3 minute walk. _Evan still is right down the road. Stop making excuses._ He was rummaging under his bed when the flashlight on his phone caught something silver in a pocket of a hoodie, and he dove for it a little too excitedly. _Fuck, you really are batshit insane._

He scampered onto his bed, the blade in his hand. He was originally given it for some art class he was doing at the time, but he found a new use for it. He sighed, wishing he could call Evan, but he didn’t want to burden him. He was enough of a disaster already, he didn’t want to push the poor boy off the edge. He pushed it into a place in the middle of his forearm, watching as it punctured the skin like a pin in fabric and brought it down his arm in one swipe. He watched as the beads of blood emerging from the cut and pouring down his arm.

 

He gasped, almost a low hiss as the pain sunk in. He put the razor back in the same cut and twisted it quickly, causing his cut to open and the blood to pour quicker. It oozed onto his blanket. He didn’t care. He began to move down his arm, making deeper and deeper cuts, with each one quietly thinking _just one more, then I’ll be done._ After the cuts spiraled around his hand and up to his shoulders, he finally let go and stopped tormenting himself. There was one part of his arm where he had taken two cuts that were a couple inches apart, buried his razor into one, and connected the two by skinning a part of his arm off.

 

His entire arm felt like it was on fire. He immediately regretted it, seeing the spirals and dashes as failures. One time he had heard someone say he probably liked the way they looked, that he maybe thought they were beautiful, they weren’t. They were ugly and scabbing and he hated them on his skin but he did it to distract, or maybe because he was addicted, or maybe because he wanted to give himself another reason to look in the mirror and hate what he saw, but he didn’t know nor care. He just wanted to feel pain and this is how he did it.

As he sat there, he heard a knocking on the door. He ignored it, assuming it was someone to give him a lecture or his mom saying that at 2AM on a Thursday someone in school shouldn’t have his light on, so he ignored it. At first, the knocking seemed angry and intrusive, but it calmed to more of a quiet drum. He laid in his bed, motionless. “Evan just texted me, he’s worried,” Zoe’s voice whispered through the door. She seemed nervous. _Of course she’s nervous, she thinks you’re gonna kill her. Go out and say something. Get her to leave you alone. And of course Evan talked to her, everyone likes Zoe more. Even you like Zoe more. So go ahead, and do what you do best: drive people away._

Connor silently got up, floating toward his door. He felt dead, his feet barely grazing the ground and not making a single sound as he crossed the messy room. _Even your room can’t feel you here. The world is made to forget people that don’t make a sound, and you can’t even make a sound if you tried, could you._ He opened the door, concealing his left half carefully. “Thanks Zoe, I like the effort. I’m glad to know that it’s just Evan who’s worried.” He felt his whisper hitch at the end, revealing how close Connor was to crying. He felt so weak. His own family doesn’t care.

 

Zoe stood, her eyes a little wide. She looked just like she did when they were little and there was a thunderstorm. “Connor, does he have a reason to be worried?” She seemed like she was actually concerned, her defensive stance dropping as the arms previously crossed on her chest fell to her sides. “Connor, why is Evan worried?” Her voice was a little loud, like she was upset.

 

To be fair, things had been a lot better between the Murphy siblings recently. Zoe was actually talking to Connor, and he had begun talking back. Though to the outside world, a brother asking how his sister is doing seemed expected, it was an important gesture between the otherwise estranged teenagers. Zoe had even painted Connor’s nails navy blue for his date with Evan last weekend. So maybe Connor shouldn’t have been so confused when Zoe pulled him out of the doorway into a hug. Connor tried to push away, but he felt his left arm press against her right arm and he knew she felt the blood seep into her pajama shirt. Her hands reflexively dropped.

 

“Connor!” She maintained her whisper, but he felt the same emotion as if she had screamed it. He flinched. “Oh Connor,” She mumbled, pulling him back into a hug. Connor felt her shake. Then, she let out a low sob. Then she asked something so quiet it was barely heard, but it sounded eerily like “Why is this the first time I’m here for you?” Connor also felt like he was going to cry. _Fuck_.

 

She let go slowly, taking a step back. In the dim lighting you could see a big patch of drying blood down her arm. “Just, text Evan,” She whispered, before disappearing down the hall.


	16. Chapter 16

Connor had texted Evan, and now they were asleep in Evan’s bed after Connor snuck out at 3:30 per Heidi’s request. When he had walked in, Evan was a mess. He was pacing back and forth, Heidi was sitting at the kitchen table with her head on her shoulder. He felt bad texting Evan what was wrong, but when Evan and Heidi saw him, he could tell they were glad he was here. Evan had hugged him, pecking his cheek and mumbling about the fact that he was sorry that he wasn’t there for him. Connor felt that guilt again.

 

Heidi had brought him to the bathroom to clean his arm up to prevent infection, saying that it would be reckless as a nurse to let any wound untreated. When she took off his hoodie, she gasped, pin pricks of tears brimming around her eyes. She gently hugged him, before dousing his cuts with rubbing alcohol. He hissed, but he knew Heidi wouldn’t let him go if she didn’t finish her ‘job’ to help Connor. _You’re just a burden_. Right before he got up to go to see Evan, Heidi whispered “If Evan ever has any new marks on him, tell me. He promised the same thing about you. I can’t lose anyone else.” He nodded before scurrying off to see Evan.

 

Evan was sitting on a bed, wringing his hands and blowing his nose. His eyes were red, and his gaze was glued to the floor by the bed. He looked up at Connor, his arm bandaged from Mrs. Murphy. Evan got up, grabbing Connor and pulling him into a hug that expertly avoided his arm. Just that small extension of generosity caused him to sniffle a little. He didn’t think he deserved Heidi’s and Evan’s and Zoe’s kindness. Not after what he just did.

 

Evan looked down at Connor’s bandages, letting a smile bubble from underneath his solemn expression. He rushed to his desk and produced a sharpie. He ran back and signed his name, E V A N, in big black letters. “Look, we’re the same.” Evan looked at Connor, and as Connor realized what that meant, he buried his face into his chest. “But we’ve got each other.”

 

Connor didn’t let go of Evan until they had to leave for school.


	17. Chapter 17

“Connor, why h-have I never gone over yo-your house?” It had been a little over a month since that Thursday incident. Connor had been invited over the Hansen’s household every day after the first week, mostly because Evan had been terrified of having to go through that again. Connor had declined most of the time, explaining he felt bad about everything and that Zoe wanted to be with him as well. Because of this, Evan hadn’t seen Connor outside of school in around three weeks. That didn’t prevent Heidi and/ or Evan calling him whenever he was home. However, Connor expressed many times how he wanted Evan to be over when Zoe had wrangled them into family bonding. So, when Evan asked this simple question, he assumed it would be a simple answer to the current dilemma.

 

That’s why he didn’t assume Connor to cough loudly, almost like he was choking, then hang up on him. Evan was a little taken aback, but connection issues were something their FaceTime calls weren’t strangers to. Evan called him back, and saw Connor had moved from sitting on the floor with Zoe placed next to him to up in his bedroom. _Had he run up there? It only took me like 15 seconds to call him back. His room is on the other side of the house, isn’t it?_ He also seemed nervous. “Hey, sorry,” Connor’s voice was clearly raspy, like he was out of breath. Evan cocked his eyebrow at the screen, trying to convey his confusion for what just happened.

 

“So, w-why _don’t_ I ever go o-over your house?” Evan was a bit nervous, fearing he struck another vein with the brunette, not that Connor didn’t do enough of that on his own. No matter how hard he wished it away, his stutter wouldn’t leave Evan alone, even when he felt comfortable. Well, relatively comfortable. There was never a time where Evan wasn’t stress eating or stress humming or stress sweating, but he assumed there must be better times to worry about his objectively peculiar issues. “I just mean, it’s been a while, and I’ve never been in your home.” Well, that made no sense, but Evan was getting too worried to care about that. Did Connor not want him over? Was he embarrassed of him? Evan began wringing his hands, which were now slick from his sweat.

 

“Oh, you know,” Connor said, forcing a nonchalant tone. “It’s just planning, and I’ve got a sibling to work planning around.” Evan could tell that something was off about Connor, considering his word repetition and fake smile, but he didn’t want to pry at the same time. However, something seemed to answer Connor for him. There was a loud door slam, and the look on his face morphed from forced indifference to uncomfortable fear. He heard a scuffling as Connor grabbed his phone and opened his window to sit on the small roof bit next to Connor’s room. Evan felt like he had been on the room after seeing it so many times on his small screen.

 

“Connor, s-seriously, what’s all this a-about?” Evan tried to be serious, but watching as Connor squatted on his roof knocked the edge out of his voice, leaving him with not much to go off of. However, Connor took what little push Evan had, sighing and cracking his knuckles, he telltale sign he was about to confess something. Evan heard a car take off in the distance.

 

“I’m just worried,” Connor paused, looking around to his yard then back toward the window with a moderately disapproving look. “I’m just worried you won’t like it here is all. I mean, my family can be,” Again, he fell into silence, waving his hands in the air as if he was attempting to conjure up the descriptor he was looking for. “They can be a bit rough around the edges.”

 

Evan smiled, internally thanking the powers at be that it wasn’t his fault. “Oh, it’ll be f-fine. It’s just your parents. After all, I already know Z-zoe. It can’t be that bad. My house is small after all. It’s no fun here. P-please?” Evan hoped the please would sell it, because Connor seemed to have a weakness for politeness. “It can’t be as b-bad as you must be assuming it will be.”

 

Connor sighed, digging his painted nails into his cheek. “Fine, if it’ll make you happy.” Connor’s voice was hard but he seemed to be slowly warming to the idea in a way. “Just, know I warned you.”

 

Evan should have taken that warning while he could.


	18. Chapter 18

Evan stood at the door to the Murphy house for the second time in his life. He was fairly nervous, but he was also excited. After Connor had hung up, Evan had excitedly dressed and undressed to impress the family. His final outfit was a plaid sky blue button up and suit pants, and despite the relative blandness of the outfit, he felt sort of fancy. He reached forward, pressing the doorbell. He heard the sound of someone running to get to it.

 

Surprisingly, the person who greeted him at the door wasn’t Connor, but rather his sister Zoe. Her long hair was pulled back into a ponytail and she was wearing a black dress. “Oh, hi Evan.” She smiled, but there was a look of disappointment on her face. “Sorry, I thought you were someone else.” Evan realized he hadn’t made any effort to say or do anything, so he stuck out his hand to shake hers. He regretted it when he realized how nervous and sweaty he was. “Just, come on in,” She offered, letting go of his sweaty palm with a look of mild disgust.

 

Evan gaped at the house. The ceiling was an incredibly high arch, with beams of dark wood curving around the arched doorways. There was a golden chandelier precariously placed in the middle of the large room. The floors were a light wood that transitioned into tile as Zoe lead him through the kitchen. There was a proper door out of the brightly lit spotless kitchen, and Zoe opened it up to a dining room. The house previously was very modern; stark whites and warm greys with the occasional muted color, but this room was different. The other greys were light and dull, but these walls were more of a stormy, dark grey. You could see the brush strokes if you looked at the wall long enough. Also, in the middle of the room sat a dark oak table that looked like it belonged to a renaissance era king. Zoe motioned for him to sit down, before whisking herself out of the room and screaming “Connor! Your guest is here!” and disappearing from the room.

 

He had to admit, Connor’s house was a lot to take in. It smelled of vanilla chai and sugar, and it looked like it belonged to some celebrity. He immediately felt self-conscious of his own small house which smelled of nothing and looked as if it belonged to regular people. Not that the Hansen’s were regular, it just didn’t stand out at all. He heard the stairs creek and saw Connor wearing a white button up and black slacks. He knew this was supposed to be a moderately informal family dinner, but Evan felt very under dressed, not that he had anything fancier than this anyway. Connor smiled weakly and sat down next to Evan. “So, Hansen, what do you think of the place?”

 

Although he could tell Connor was trying to be casual, there was a spark of genuine curiosity in his voice. Evan wondered how anyone could not be impressed with this living situation. “Your h-house is really lovely. Thank you for having m-me over,” Evan smiled, putting his hand on Connor’s. He forgot how long it had been since they had properly seen each other, and he was so glad he was sitting next to him again. Connor smiled and turned their hands around so they were properly interlaced.

 

“Hey, just remember my family can be a lot. Also,” He removed his hand from Evan’s slowly, as if he was trying to convey his message with his hands. “None of this at dinner. They’ll freak.” Connor stood up, kissed Evan’s head, and walked into the kitchen where Zoe had been calling him.

 

Zoe and Connor began arguing about the whereabouts of their parents. He remembered how he used to idolize Zoe, and how Jared would try and set them up while failing massively. Evan was nervous she remembered all those awkward encounters from childhood. He suddenly remembered what she had said at the door, ‘I thought you were someone else’. Who else is coming? Was Evan going to have to interact with _three_ new people? Why does nobody tell him these things? The doorbell rang, and he heard Zoe run to go fetch the person at the doorway. He reflexively cracked his knuckles, feeling very small in the giant house he was in.

He heard a semi-familiar voice chime at the door. “Zoe, how are you?” He knew the voice he was hearing was one he had heard in class at least once. It had a warmness to it, and it was obviously one that belonged to a girl. He furrowed his brow, unable to put a name to the voice. He vaguely knew what the girl looked like, but he never spoke to her. He heard the chittering girls move to the kitchen, and open the door. “Hi! I’m Alana. Evan, right?”

 

Evan learned from his prior mistake to not shake anyone’s hand, so he nodded and watched as they sat across from him. He observed the girl’s long braids and welcoming smile. Connor also came back in, now with a red tie and his hair pulled back into a bun with a matching red hair band. Evan nearly choked as he walked in, smiled, ran his fingers through the looser top strands of his hair, and sat down next to him. Connor obviously noticed Evan’s staring, so he looked down at his feet to avoid any future embarrassment. Alana was talking smoothly about some project she and Zoe had got themselves into, and Connor was quietly tapping his nails on the table. Evan began wondering what was so bad about the Murphy’s.

 

After a couple beats of silence, the door opened again, showing a red haired woman with a tired look on her face holding one too many things. She was seemingly balancing a chicken, green beans, pasta primavera, and cups up and down her arms. She looked overwhelmed and frazzled, but she smiled widely. “Oh, hello,” She smiled, placing the precariously placed items in the center of the table before taking a seat at the foot of the table. “It’s nice to see you, Alana. It’s nice to meet you Evan, I’m glad we’re all here.” Evan felt her eyes move to the empty chair. “Well, my husband will be down in a minute.” Evan saw Connor and Zoe wince.

 

Everyone began placing food on their plates, Connor avoiding the chicken and Zoe avoiding the pasta. Evan felt weird taking food, so he grabbed a small sliver of everything and hoped no one was offended by the lack or abundance of food on his plate. “Uhm, well, thank you for dinner Mrs. Murphy,” Evan muttered quietly, attempting to seem less distressed.

 

She looked up at him and smiled kindly. “Of course Evan.” The beats of silence felt so loud in Evan’s ears. Nothing about this was comforting or normal. He attempted a smile back, but he could tell whatever shape his face had contorted into was far closer to a grimace than a grin. He sunk farther into his seat. As he did so, the door to the dining room opened.

 

A grey haired man placed himself at the head of the table wordlessly. He noticed that the chair the man sat down on was physically taller than everyone else’s, making him seem even more intimidating. Connor retracted slightly, in a manner similar to a dog with a shock collar. The man, presumably Mr. Murphy, placed a large array of food on his plate and quickly began to eat it, still without acknowledging his family or guests. “Hi, sweetie,” Mrs. Murphy attempted, her voice sugar sweet and soft, as if she was trying not to break anything. “Our guests are here.”

 

The man looked up, his harder features softening to a smaller smile towards his wife. “Oh, excuse me, hello Evan. Hello Alana. Forgive me, I was busy,” He turned and gestured to the both of them, like he was presenting them. Evan sighed and straightened his spine, glad that his existence was noticed but even more uncomfortable than he was before at the same time. “And thank you Cynthia and Zoe for helping with dinner.”

 

“Actually, Connor made dinner!” Cynthia smiled. Evan turned to Connor, unabashedly surprised by Connor’s cooking ability. However, his gaze was fixed on his father whose small friendly smile turned to a straight line. Connor pinched his nose, mouthing an ‘oh God’.

 

So, this was how this night would go.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for being so supportive and wonderful! I hope you like this chapter! I will be posting tomorrow and Thursday as well as the regular days. Also, Autumn Leap I haven't forgotten about your idea! It is just taking a while for the plot to bring me there.

Connor knew having dinner at his house was a bad idea, but he didn’t want to worry Evan. His mother was a mess, Zoe was still slightly patronizing, and his father’s actions spoke for themselves. So, it really wasn’t a surprise that five minutes into dinner he was already being mocked for no reason at all. He couldn’t even look at Evan, he was far too embarrassed. He just pinched his nose and hoped everything would stop.

 

His mom pulled a forced smile, turning to Alana. “So, how have things been with you?” Her immediate idea was to simply change the topic. Although Connor understood her fear of confrontation, he sometimes wished she’d just fucking stand up for him like a normal mother. Then again, that would require the Murphy to be normal. “Last I heard you were about to be the first person to take advanced calculus in junior year! That’s amazing!”

 

Evan coughed, like he was confused or upset. Connor was about to ask what was wrong, but Alana began talking. “Yeah, I’m pretty sure I’m the first one to do it junior year,” Again, Evan cleared his throat and shifted awkwardly in his chair. “I’m pretty happy. Things are going good! I love the class, everyone is lovely. I wonder what I’ll take next year in math.”

 

“You get to choose the slot as an extra elective. They’ll urge you to just take it again; don’t,” Evan mumbled, just loud enough that everyone could hear. He instantly turned red, and he shut his eyes in the way Connor did when he was regretting something: it was that same tight eye, slightly longer than normal blink. Evan was wringing his hands as Alana registered what he had said.

 

“Oh!” Alana said, smiling but blatantly disheartened. “That’s good! So, I’m the second to take it junior year. I mean, that’s still exciting!” She was seemingly trying to talk herself back up. Connor felt both a twinge of guilt and a twinge of pride. He knew Alana was really hard on herself with grades, and he knew she had lost a bit of her confident. He was also proud because he was… with the first person to take advanced calc in junior year. They weren’t ‘dating’ yet, right? “Hey, congrats Evan. Seriously, that’s incredible.”

 

“So,” Larry spoke up, his eyes were on Evan, but he didn’t seem aggressive. “Your parents must be very proud of their son. I know I would be.” As he said those last few words, his genuine smile turned sarcastic and his eyes moved to Connor. Again, the table was silent for a moment. Connor was going to say something, but thank God Evan stepped in.

 

“Oh, yeah. M-my mom is a doc- she’s a nurse so she- well she kind of wants me to be- well she knows I’m going to be smart. She says it ru- runs in the family. Well, um I don’t really know about any- well I only know about my mom, so- so she’s super smart. Not that I- I’m not _super_ smart I just- well I just- well I take after my mom is what I am trying to say.” Evan had turned pinker than he was before, but he had a little smile on his face, like he was glad he said something. He had been looking at the tablecloth in front of Connor, while picking at his nails, but he still seemed proud. That nervous smile made Connor forget for a moment the passive aggressive comment that started this whole nervous rant. He couldn’t get worked up seeing that apples of his b- of Evan’s cheeks raising triumphantly. Well, he couldn’t get worked up _for a moment._

 

Unfortunately, that was all it was, a moment. Just a second after Evan stopped talking, Larry piped back in. “I mean, I bet it helps that you don’t spend all day locked in your room, sleeping around with random guys,” He seemed to have a fake happiness to his voice, like he was praising Evan instead of making a fool out of Connor. He had had enough.

 

“I do not sleep around,” Connor said, a bit too loud.

 

“I think I am remembering this summer differently from how it happened then. Care to inform me who you were letting into my house every other night then?”

 

“They were friends!” Connor felt Evan’s eyes on him as he spoke. He wanted to disappear.

 

“That is not what you do with friends.” Larry wasn’t even looking at him, he didn’t care.

 

“How would you know what I fucking do? When have you ever cared to ask what I do,” Connor became aware he was screaming.

 

“I have ears. I don’t want to ask if I know,” Larry’s level voice broke and wavered as he spoke.

 

“Maybe you can’t always assume what’s going wrong!”

 

“I know full well my son is out of control!” Larry’s eyes, for the first time the entire conversation, locked with Connor’s. He saw his own reflection in them.

 

“ _I am not your fucking son!_ ” Connor pushed out his chair, about to walk out, when he felt Evan’s hand on his. It felt just a bit grounding, which was saying a lot considering nothing felt like anything when he was like this. Normally, everything was numb and white hot and dull and sharp, contradicting and contrasting each other, like how every color of light mixed together was just white.

 

“Larry, don’t talk to Connor like that.” Cynthia’s voice was high, her eyes darting between Evan and Alana. “Connor, could we please not swear at the table?” Her requests turned more in to questions. She never intervened, she never got into anything, so she seemingly didn’t understand what she was supposed to be doing. She looked apologetically to Connor, then to Zoe. “I’m sorry everyo-.”

 

“I can talk to my son as I damn well please!” Larry interjected, his hands now curled into fists on the table.

 

“Then he should be able to talk to you as he pleases,” Connor looked up, surprised. Normally Zoe was silent at dinners. She never said or did anything that could get her into trouble or out of her position as the ‘perfect’ child. So, seeing Zoe looking Larry straight in the eye with her voice steady and her posture immaculate was utterly unfounded.

 

“Excuse me?” Larry snapped his head to look at Zoe, dragging his gaze off Connor for just a moment. He felt bad, but he was glad everyone was sticking up for him.

 

“You heard me. We all seem to be done with dinner. Me, Connor and our respective guests will be in the lounge. I hope we will remain unbothered.” Zoe got up, grabbing Alana’s hand. Evan also scurried up, glad to get out of the situation. Slowly, and with as much purpose as he could put into the small movement, Connor followed suit.

 

“Hey, thank you.”


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the last 2 days, I got my laptop taken away. I'll post tomorrow though, so stay tuned for that!

Connor was silent as Zoe led the group into the upstairs family room. He saw Evan turn his head when they passed his dark door, but he didn’t have time to judge his reaction as Zoe pulled the 4 into a big blue room.

 

Aside from his own room, the so called ‘family room’ was his favorite. It had white walls with deep blue carpet that hid the many stains he inflicted on it. In the center of the room was a big arched window with slightly yellow glass pieces that formed a half sun. Due to the window’s tint, the carpet near that wall looked slightly green. The room had a small grey couch in its center, with an older TV placed in front of it. Although it was called a family room, it was basically the only location in the house their parents were inexplicably not allowed into. It was also the place that all of his and Zoe’s childhood took place in. He liked to think of that as the ‘good times’, mostly because that was before the depression hit and before he was hospitalized and before Larry hated him. Those were the times him and Zoe would play pretend and make the small loveseat into a fort and when their mom would tuck them in and scare away the monsters and when he called Larry his dad. He felt a buzz of regret thinking of everything he just said to Larry as he thought of his childhood, but he simply remembered the summer of 9th grade, and everything melted away.

 

Admittedly, 9th grade was pretty shitty for Connor. It was the year everything came crashing down with Jared, it was the year Zoe didn’t talk to him for a week because she saw him drunk for the first time, it was the year he was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, it was the year he was first hospitalized, and it was the last year he every called Larry Murphy his dad. For the most part, Connor’s self-destructiveness was estranging him a bit from his family. It made sense, he was getting more distant and angrier, but nothing could’ve prepared him for how distant he really was from his own father. He had been sitting outside, reading _Saving Francesca_ on the porch when Larry came out. His hair was darker and his eyes were brighter that day. Connor’s own hair was in a buzz cut, as request of his dad. He just knew his dad came out with his dark hair and his angry eyes and had sat down next to him, complaining about the cost of his therapist. Connor said he couldn’t help it, but still apologized profusely. Then, after moments of back and forth, Larry Murphy looked his own son in the eye and said “This family would be better off if you had succeeded when you tried to die. But I guess you just can’t get anything right.” Then, as if that wasn’t enough, his own father slapped him across the face. Connor had been left speechless. He just remembered how he cried, his head in his hands, his whole body heaving. He remembered his mom coming out, calling his name. ‘Connor! Connor!’

 

“Connor!” Suddenly Zoe’s hand passed into his field of vision, snapping him out of his daze. “What do you want to do? Evan suggested Scrabble because it will help us with our vocabulary, Alana wanted to play SuperFight to help her with her debate skills, but I say good old truth or dare never hurt anyone, so let’s stick with that.” Zoe seemed to make up her own mind about what they were doing, because as she finished her thought she sat down and grabbed the truth or dare penny.

 

“Um, what’s that for?” Evan asked, cautiously sitting down next to Connor, but not too next to Connor. Zoe patted the ground next to her, and Alana neatly folded her legs beneath her so she looked like she was doing some sort of yoga shit. That is, until she adjusted so her head was on his sister’s shoulder. They were _so_ married.

 

“House rules,” Connor answered, finally getting a chance to break his prolonged silence. He wanted to put as many words as possible between now and dinner. “Because I only pick dare and _she_ ,” he tossed his head at Zoe for emphasis, “only picks truth. Heads, dare. Tales, truth. Plain and simple.” He stretched his long legs out, leaning back for a bit. He was trying to seem cool, calm, and relaxed. However, he looked more like an awkward baby giraffe. Hopefully that was a sexy look in Evan’s eyes.

 

“Wait, but how bad- well I mean what are t-the extent of the dare?” Evan nervously shifted in his seat.

 

“We can’t make you do anything too outrageous,” Zoe piped up, smiling sweetly at Evan to convince him that he would want to play. “No drugs, no drinking-“

 

“Unless you want to!” Connor smirked.

 

“No parents, no prank calls, no nudity and no kissing. Well, for the last two I would agree with Connor,” Zoe winked, making Evan turn red. Connor crossed his arms, upset that his little sister had made a better joke then him.

 

“Anyhow, I vote I go first because I should show my guest how it’s done,” He grabbed the coin, placing it on his thumb and flipping it. He caught it in his palm and slammed it down on the back of his hand. Heads. The person to your left gets to pick your first dare. He looked at Zoe, cocking an eyebrow.

 

“I dare you to tell Evan an embarrassing childhood story of my choosing every time you swear.”

 

_Fuck._


	21. The truth

“Zoe, that’s fucking dumb,” Connor huffed, reflexively swearing. “You swear all the time, why is it wrong when I do it?” He looked at Evan, who had moved slightly closer to him in the last minute.

 

“I don’t, and 5th grade Fourth of July,” Zoe said confidently. “I’ll flip while you talk.” She began flipping the coin to decide Evan’s fate.

 

“Whatever,” He huffed, turning to look at Evan. “We were on the Ferris Wheel, it was my first time at a carnival, and when we got to the top I threw up on myself because I’m scared of heights.” He attempted to talk fast to avoid embarrassment, but Evan’s laugh that was half amusement and half pity said it all. _Fuck._

“Evan, your turn!” Zoe called, showing the penny on the back of her hand to the group. “Tales, ugh, boring. Alana, what does he need to confess?”

 

“Oh, let’s see,” Alana put her chin in her palm for a moment, thinking. “Tell us the most embarrassing thing you’ve been caught doing,” Alana decided. This question was pretty classic, it was always the question you’d start a game with when you’ve never played with them before. However, Evan turned a bright red as he recalled some repressed memory.

 

“Oh, jeez, can I even tell- say this?” Evan audibly wondered. Okay, now Connor was intrigued. What on earth could be so embarrassing that someone had seen Evan doing that could’ve made him turn pink?  I mean, maybe Evan Hansen was secretly scandalous. That wasn’t a bad pictuire to have in his head for a moment. “Okay, so once in 10th grade I was in my room and- well my mom came in and I was- well I was changing and-“

 

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!” Connor shouted, interrupting the latter half of his sentence. “That’s so tame!” He was admittedly annoyed due to the lack of truly embarrassing material. “Normally at least you should tell are story where your pants are down for an interesting reason.”

 

Evan looked at him, shocked. “Oh no I don’t- No I wouldn’t have- Oh well, you need to tell me an embarrassing childhood story now,” he attempted to divert the conversation from Connor’s garish suggestion that a 17 year old boy would masturbate.

 

“Come on, we all do it,” Connor jabbed his elbow into the reddening boy. “And, one time when I was 5 I pulled down my pants and introduced my, whatever, to my neighbors.” He heard Alana laugh and watched Evan turn even redder.

 

“Firstly, I get to pick the stories,” Zoe chimed, playing with her long hair. “Secondly, I don’t want to hear about any dicks, especially my brother’s. And thirdly, Alana has a dare that Evan needs to give her.” Zoe shot a glare at Connor before warmly smiling at Evan.

 

“Oh shoot, okay,” Evan smiled, seemingly more comfortable with the situation. “Well, I dare you to play something for us.” Evan settled on, shimmying his hips to adjust his seat on the ground. “I know Connor has a guitar, and I’ve heard you play”

 

“Oh, sure,” Alana got up, disappearing down the hall. Although the dare was tame, it seemed to just be a good way to establish a knowledge of Alana’s interest. Despite the fact Alana was happy that she didn’t have Connor daring her to do something ridiculous, Zoe was much more excited about this dare. She was always fawning over the other girl’s many talents, so any case to prove herself right was a win in her book. Alana came back, played _Hallelujah_ on Connor’s acoustic and the guitar’s owner quietly sang as each parties’ admirers watched slack-jawed as the two preformed. Connor didn’t know when his quiet whisper turned to full on singing, but he closed his eyes and sang. _Maybe there’s a God above, but all I’ve ever learned from love was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you. And it’s not a cry that you hear at night, it’s not somebody who’s seen the light, it’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah._ Connor always liked the song, so singing it seemed second nature. That’s why he didn’t expect to open his eyes to the whole room staring at him. “Wow, choir boy, thanks for stealing the show,” Alana joked, placing the light blue guitar behind him.

 

“What’re you looking at me for,” Connor retorted, crossing his arms. “It’s Zoe’s turn, let’s go.” They ended up playing 5 rounds, with the more notable moments being everyone finding out Evan can do a full split and Alana ate craft glue every day for 3 months in a row in the 3rd grade. Connor tried to speak as little as possible after the singing thing. Not that he minded the looks, the attention just stressed him out a lot. He was nervous that Alana wasn’t joking and that Evan was judging his singing. However, that didn’t seem the case because when it was Evan’s turn to dare Connor, it was that he had to sing everything he said. That was also one of the reasons he didn’t talk that much.

 

“Hey, let’s stop with this game for now,” Alana said, her light smile still a bit playful. “I haven’t really ever met Evan, so we should just talk. So, Evan, what’s going on in your life?” She leaned forward with her elbows on her knees.

 

“Oh!” Evan looked up, paying attention to the sudden focus on him with a slightly darker shade than his normal pink. “I mean I have just been, well I’ve been good. I’ve been Evan, but a better Evan,” Though he was struggling with his stuttering, he was still smiling.

 

“How’s your arm? Last time I broke a limb I was 7, what happened?” Alana was glad to have a conversation with the nervous boy who was sitting across from her. However, Connor was slightly jealous of the direct attention.

 

“Oh, I was in a tree and I- well I guess I fell?” Evan smiled, but the happiness in his eyes dulled a bit. Again, Connor wanted to ask more, but he didn’t. “How about you guys? How long have you two been together?” Evan motioned his thumb and index finger to both Alana and Zoe. Connor laughed.

 

They both muttered and mumbled about how they weren’t and they were just close, but not _that_ close. Then, Alana smiled and said, “Well, how about you two? I’ve heard the way Connor talks to you about Evan, you are so lucky to have such a sweet boyfriend.”

 

“Alana, what the fuck?!”


	22. Chapter 22

“What the fuck, Alana?” Connor lurched forward so his body was closer to Alana’s. He was obviously flustered, an emotion Evan got good at clocking for the older boy. He wasn’t really yelling at Alana, he was just arguing with her about her previous accusation. Evan smiled at the idea that Connor talked about how much he liked Evan. That made his heart feel weird and fluttery.

 

Evan smiled, laughing at Connor bickering to Alana about how he wasn’t some sweet person. He was so defensive about the fact he wasn’t always some jaded emo, and that he could actually be caring and soft. “Connor, leave Alana alone.” He gently wrapped his fingers within the slender fingers of the taller boy, pulling him back so they were sitting with their shoulders flush. His face turned red at the small contact, considering how much he enjoyed any time he touched Connor in any way. “You are a kind person to me, that’s why we are, well that’s why we’re t- together.” Connor crossed his arm that was free, attempting to be pouty.

 

Alana sighed happily, smirking a bit at the two boys awkwardly intertwined together. Zoe stared enviously at them, looking down at the floor to see Alana’s hand inches from her own. She was compelled to hold her the way her brother held his ‘best friend’. “You two are a cute couple, you know.” Zoe smiled a bit, looking onto the boys.

 

Evan was a bit sleepy, and his head had gently placed on Connor’s shoulder, so he wasn’t exactly thinking straight when he murmured “I know,” Into the brunette’s blazer. He knew they weren’t official yet, but he assumed it’d be fine to say they were a couple. His head was heavy and he could only smell Connor’s lavender lotion and the fabric softener he used on all his clothing, so he wasn’t considering the impact of what he was saying until Connor squeezed his hand gently.

 

“I agree,” Connor kissed the top of Evan’s head, sending shivers down his spine at the small yet public display of affection. Evan was a bit embarrassed because he was in front of new people, but he didn’t care all that much. He squeezed the hand on his own, their undiscussed way of saying ‘I’m okay with this’.

 

Suddenly, there was a loud buzzing coming from Evan’s pocket. An annoying tune that was put into his phone by someone else. He jolted up, fumbling out his phone and quickly answering the contact named ‘Your ORIGINAL Friend’. It was Jared.

 

“Hey Ev,” The boy’s voice was loud and overconfident as always. “I’m almost at your house, let me in, okay?” Normally this behavior was tolerated and expected from the ‘family’ friend, as he never had anything to do whenever Jared would drop by. However, for the first time, he actually was busy.

 

“Hey, um, I’m actually out right now?” Evan seemed very unsure about the truth, awkwardly looking at the faces of the three people who were understandably confused.

 

“Listen, I’m almost there. I know you don’t go out, Ev,” Again, he used that little nickname that Evan both loved and hated. “Where are you, then? I know when you’re lying”

 

Evan sighed, looking away from his hosts and their guest. His volume dropped. “I’m at the Murphy’s house. What do you want?” He tried to hiss, but he just sounded slightly annoyed.

 

“Oh, you could’ve just told me,” Jared laughed on the other line, sounding relaxed. Evan blew out a breath, relived for a moment. “I’ll be right there then.”

 

“No! Jared, you can’t come here!” Evan saw Zoe cock her head in confusion. “You weren’t invited.”

 

“Are you on a date or something?” Jared sneered, making fun of him for the 100th time that he liked Connor.

 

“No!” Evan said, getting defensive. “I’m just hanging out with Zoe and Alana, and Connor too, it’s nothing like that,” He saw the aforementioned boy observe his reddening face with confusion and a bemused smirk. _How is he so cute?_

Evan shook that thought as Jared started talking on the line again. “Perfect! So it’s like a party!” Evan heard the front doorbell ring. Then, the door opened. _Is he in the damn house?_

 

Evan hung up on the teenager, speed walking toward the door to the first floor. “Evan,” He stopped, turning to pay attention to the confused looking Zoe Murphy. “What’s going on?”

 

“Well, I think Jared Kleinman might be in your house?” Evan offered, turning back to the door. He reached out his hand, about to grab the door handle. However, the handle turned before he could touch it. It swung back, leaving Evan roughly 4 inches from Jared’s face. He was smirking, his glasses slightly askew on his face. He stepped past Evan smoothly, grinning like an idiot as he addressed the rest of the room.

 

“You were talking about me, the insanely cool Jared Kleinman?”


End file.
